Ask any parent and they’ll tell you that restaurants are a lot like movies: some of ’em are made for kids, others just aren’t. Nobody would drag their toddler to the cinema to watch a sprawling, three-hour historical epic, because toddlers aren’t built to endure them. But take them to Moana or Coco and they’ll sit in rapt silence.

Similarly, some restaurants are built for infants and children to endure, while others are decidedly not. And since I know so many couples who’ve so recently given birth to brand new baby squishes, I, a childless forty-something, set out to ask them a series of questions like, “What are you looking for when you go out to eat?”“What do you wish restaurants would do to better accommodate your kids?” and “Do you have any hard parenting rules you’ll stick to so you won’t become those parents?” Because, let’s face it, those parents do indeed exist.

The goal is, of course, to give restaurateurs, servers, and parents something to chew on when it comes to serving kids, who, let’s again face it, can sometimes be loud, and oftentimes pretty messy.

Here’s what they had to say (along with a few tips from me).

One couple said they won’t even bother with restaurants if they lack space for strollers, changing stations, crayons, dedicated spaces where it’s okay for kids to run themselves docile after eating, or servers who don’t have the foresight to pour a kid’s water into a plastic glass with a straw and lid instead of an adult glass. They’re not mad about it, because some restaurants are The Godfather and others are Frozen, but if restaurants can’t check off at least some of these boxes, they vote with their dollar at the spots that do.

Most kids aren’t adventurous eaters. I didn’t become one until I left the Midwest at age 30. But one new dad says he’d like to see more vegetarian kids’ options besides mac and cheese, buttered noodles, or grilled cheese. Offering a quality veggie burger couldn’t hurt, or even something more extravagant, like eggplant parmesan. “Kids want to eat good food, too,” he said.

One couple offered this nugget of new parenting advice and, as a former server, I couldn’t agree more: Show up to eat at 5 pm. While technically it’s the start of dinnertime, restaurants are often dead at 5, and if the kid starts to fuss, parents can get in and out quickly with little damage. It’s easier on the server, who’s less busy, as well as the other customers, who won’t have to endure happy hour with a toddler in meltdown mode. An added tip: Parents, don’t take babies or small children to “date spots” during “dating time.” It’s okay to hit up, say, Biwa at 5 pm on a Wednesday, but dropping by at 7 pm on Friday night isn’t cool.

There are people who have patience with kids and those who don’t. If you’re gonna be a server, you better be the kind who does, because a lot of kids are gonna cross your path. They can be unpredictable; they never tip and will make a mess. But kids are easy to charm, and when you charm a kid, you’re charming the parents, too. Parents will remember that when tipping you, and they’ll come back. All for the small act of showing kindness and recognizing people as people.

Technically, this is never true—but if a parent brings in carrot sticks or cheese and crackers for their kid, just look the other way. It’s never worth the fight.

Babies have to eat too, and no, mothers shouldn’t have to “cover up” while doing it. If breastfeeding in public bothers you, maybe you should explore where that shame comes from?

Just follow the “don’t shit where you eat” rule and wait for the restroom to free up. (Yes, this happens.)

When you get down to it, servers, restaurants, and parents should ideally be allies. Dining out with kids can be stressful, but for parents and servers, it’s also an excellent opportunity to help shape a kid’s palate and table manners. It may be corny to say, but it really does take a village. Some of those kids will grow up to be servers, and all of them will grow into restaurant-going adults—so let’s have patience and help them get there.

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I don’t actually like looking at food on Instagram (I keep trying to eat my phone), though I often need to for this column. I mostly use Instagram to look at cute and funny dogs. So imagine my delight to find the Instagram account of a restaurant serving my favorite meal—breakfast—and posting pictures of various dogs next to their sidewalk sign, also featuring a dog.

The restaurant is Little Griddle, and the dog on the logo is insanely cute, sitting with a gold spatula in its mouth. Inside, the place seats only 25, but despite being able to comfortably carry a conversation with any table from the central service station counter, Little Griddle’s chatty, friendly staff (led by co-owner Yossel Gyorgak—that’s his dog on the sign) commit to full table service. It’s a welcome touch, and it means the line, when there is one, isn’t crowding the inside of the restaurant.

The place is clearly family-friendly, but while there are often babies and children around, it hardly feels aimed at them. With big front windows dolled up in bright and airy white, blue, and gold, the room feels much bigger than it is. Gorgeous hanging plants surround the central service station, adding to a vibe that feels clean and light.

So it’s cute enough not to feel like a minimalist retail space, and minimal enough not to feel like a day care, despite the dog logo and stylized toonish paintings on the walls (all by artist Brenda Dunn). Similarly, without offering any cloying definition or mission, the menu ranges from biscuits and gravy to breakfast salads, with many slight detours, like a huevos rancheros-cum-Benedict or North African/Middle Eastern mainstay shakshuka along the way.

But, despite its idiosyncrasies, the cutest thing on the menu is the little cast-iron skillet some of the dishes are served in. The shakshuka comes in one: eggs baked in warm and warming tomato and red pepper sauce, deeply spiced and spiked with feta ($9). (The other skillet is bacon and spinach hidden under a roof of parmesan and panko, $14.)

That “huevos benedictos” (piled with avocado, salsa, cotija, cilantro, pork shoulder, and, yes, hollandaise, $13) isn’t the only nontraditional Benedict—in fact, there’s no ham Benedict here, just a “Florentine” with spinach and tomato and a southern-inflected chicken thigh and collards option. The chicken thigh isn’t fried, but it is on a biscuit, and the pimento hollandaise subtly, spicily justifies its novelty ($10). (Word to the wise: The eggs are poached medium, so if you want those yolks to run all the way to the plate, ask for them a little softer.)

There’s a vegetarian bent to the menu, evident in that default spinach and tomato Benedict, and a vegetarian mushroom gravy that’s thick, sagey, and peppery in all the right ways. Coupled with the dense, honey-sweet, and crispy-edged biscuits, I’d put it up against most of the biscuits and gravy in town ($9, with two eggs).

There’s oatmeal, too, and a breakfast salad, both with seasonal fruit. Many of the dishes come with a toned-down version of the salad. With a poppy seed dressing and chopped hazelnuts, it’s the rare side salad that feels light enough not to take over, but substantial enough for a brunch plate. And those biscuits can hold a lot more than gravy: Their sweetness makes them a great foil to the sandwich version of the huevos, with lightly spicy pork shoulder and chipotle aioli (but no eggs, $10), while a pepper jam keeps the sweet biscuit in check on a simple egg-and-cheese sandwich ($6, $9 with bacon).

It’s the polenta, though, that will keep me coming back for more. Poached eggs in a nest of braised collard greens, over polenta studded with hazelnuts and walnuts, topped with just a couple slices of mildly hot peppers—everything is happening in this bowl. Minimally seasoned, each element’s flavors gradually seep into the polenta cleanly, and to the last bite it never feels muddied or out of balance ($10).

This is the key to breakfast, and especially brunch: managing a complex plate of food that’s filling but not nap-inducing, neither bombastic nor understated. And to do this with personality and style is only really possible with a heaping dose of beaming sincerity—the kind, perhaps not coincidentally, found in really good dogs. This may not be the most common metaphor in food writing, but Little Griddle is the “goodest boy” of brunch places.

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In today’s contentious political climate, it’s understandable that some people turn to comedy in an attempt to seek refuge from the terrible, never-ending news cycle—and the reality that we could all be nuked, quaked, or sliced by a white supremacist on any given day. As much as I can get down with letting comedy shows be blissfully apolitical, now really isn’t the time for storytellers, artists, or comics to hold back. When influential people aren’t spreading messages in line with the resistance—when they’re consistently quiet? It’s unsettling. But when I hear intelligent people speak about culture, social issues, and, yes, politics, with humor, nuance, and some semblance of hope, it gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling inside.

Enter Frangela, the Los Angeles political comedy duo (and best friends) Frances Callier and Angela V. Shelton. The two Black comedians met in the ranks of Chicago’s Second City improv troupe, and have appeared on a variety of television shows together, including VH1’s Best Week Ever and a “Best Stand-Ups in America” episode of The Oprah Winfrey Show. Individually, they’ve acted and done voice work, and if you’re into romcoms, you may have seen their joint “If He’s Not Marrying You...” appearance in 2009’s He’s Just Not That into You.

Just three months after Donald Trump won the 2016 election (while losing the popular vote by 2,864,974 votes), Frangela launched their resistance-focused podcast, The Final Word, in which the two Black comedians hold meaningful discussions of current events and include a segment unpacking the “Idiot of the Week.” The pair’s genuine friendship makes their fiery banter approachable and all the more endearing. Now more than 50 episodes in, the podcast has become an outlet for their politically driven anxiety, with themes that encourage listeners to “Stay Mad, Stay Frosty,”“Stand Up and Be Counted,” and “Don’t Let Them Take Your Joy.”

This Saturday, Kill Rock Stars will host Frangela’s debut album recording at Curious Comedy Theater, with Portland’s Funniest Person Caitlin Weierhauser opening both shows. It’s hard to predict what topics will be covered. During past shows and podcast episodes, the duo has acknowledged all of us regular folks who make up the resistance, and who continue to make calls to our elected representatives, accomplishing things like getting Michael Flynn fired and defeating alleged pedophile Roy Moore. It’s safe to say their set will include well-deserved props for all the results of our previous efforts; now it’s our job to make sure there are new ones to celebrate.

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I’m a 24-year-oldnonbinary person living in Florida. I have two wonderful girlfriends. One I have been with for four years (we live together). The other I have been with for a year and a half. They're both brilliant, interesting, and kind. Both relationships have their issues, but they are minor. They know each other but aren't close. Neither is interested in people besides me right now, although my longer-term girlfriend identifies as poly. They have both said that they see a future with me, but something doesn't feel right. I've been having fantasies about leaving them both. It's not about wanting to find someone I like better—if I met someone I really liked, I could pursue it. I just feel like neither relationship can progress while both exist. My other friends are getting married. I don't think I want to stay in this setup indefinitely. Even if my girlfriends liked each other, which they don't, I don't want sister wives or two families. But I alsocan't imagine choosing betweenthem. I feel like a scumbag foreven thinking about it. I've talked to them, and they are both having reservations about the current situation. Neither of them wants some kind of three-person family structure, either. The only thing I can think to do (besides running away) is wait and see if one of these relationships fizzles out on its own. Are my fantasies of escape normal? Is wanting to be with "the one" just straight nonsense?

Engaged Now But Yearning

“The one”is nonsense, ENBY, but it's not straight nonsense—lots of queer people believe that "the one," their perfect match, is out there somewhere. But despite the fact that there are no perfect matches, people are constantly ending loving relationships that could go the distance to run off in search of "the one" that doesn't exist. As I've pointed out again and again, there are lots of .64s out there and, if you're lucky, you might find a .73 lurking in the pile. When you find a serviceable .64 or (God willing) a spectacular .73, it's your job to round that motherfucker up to "the one." (And don't forget that they're doing the same for you—just as there's no "the one" for you, you're no one's "the one." Everyone is rounding up.)

Zooming in on your question, ENBY, you say what you have now—two girlfriends who can't stand each other—is working. Are you sure about that? While fantasies of escape are normal—we all spend time thinking about the road we didn't take, the door we didn't try, the ass we didn't eat—it's odd to hear someone with two girlfriends wish for one or both to disappear. Perhaps it's not who you're doing that's the problem, ENBY, but what you're doing. The kind of polyamory you're practicing—concurrent and equal romantic partnerships—may not be right for you. I'm not trying to YDIW you here ("You're doing it wrong!"), but if you're envious of your friends who are settling down with just one partner, perhaps you'd be more comfortable in an open-not-poly relationship (sex with others okay, romance with others not okay) or a hierarchical poly relationship (your primary partner comes first, your secondary partner[s] come, well, second).

Finally, ENBY, it could be the stress of having two partners who don't like each other that has you fantasizing about escape and/or one of your partners evaporating. Each of your girlfriends might make sense independently of each other, but if having to share you doesn't work for them... it's never going to work for you.

I’m 27 years oldand I've been married to my partner for two years. I'm facing a conundrum: A relative sexually abused me when I was younger. It happened a handful of times, and I've never told anyone other than my partner. I'm now struggling to decide not whether I should tell my parents (I should), but when. The abuse fucked me up in some ways, but I have been working through it with a therapist. The problem is my siblings and cousins have started having their own children, and seeing this relative—a member of my extended family—with their kids is dredging up a lot of uncomfortable memories. I see this relative frequently, as we all live in the area and get together as a family at least once a month. I don't have children of my own yet, but my partner and I have already decided that this relative will never touch or hold the ones we do have. So do I tell my parents now? My extended family is tightly knit, and I fear the issues that sharing this secret will inevitably create. Am I starting unnecessary drama since I'm not even pregnant yet?

My Family Kinda Sucks

Your kids may not yet exist, MFKS, but your young nieces, nephews, and cousins do—and your abuser has access to them. So the drama you fear creating isn't unnecessary—it's incredibly necessary. And since you were planning to tell your parents eventually, the drama is inevitable. But let's say you wait to tell your parents until you have children of your own—how will you feel if you learn, after the curtain goes up on this drama, that this relative had sexually abused another child in your family (or multiple children in your family, or children outside your family) in the weeks, months, or years between your decision to tell your parents and the moment you told them?

My partner doesphone sex work. A lot of the calls are from "straight" guys who ask to be "forced" to suck cock. (We assume the forced part is because they think there's something wrong with being gay.) We're wondering if there is a sex-positive word we should be using to describe these guys. If not, your readers should coin one, so all us straight dudes who love dick can take pride in our desires. Fill in the blank: "_______: a 100 percent straight guy who also loves sucking dick (and perhaps taking it in the ass)."

Cocksuckers Need Noun

The kink you describe already has a name—forced bi—and a forced bi scene usually goes something like this: A guy who would never, ever suck a cock because he's totally straight gets down on his knees and sucks cocks on the orders of his female dominant. Since this totally straight guy sucks cock only to please a woman, there's nothing gay and/or bi about all the cocks he puts in his mouth. It's one very particular way in which male bisexuality is expressed—think of it as male bisexual desire after hetero fragility, gay panic, denial, religion, gender norms, and football get through kicking the shit out of it. Paradoxically, CNN, by the time a guy asks a woman to force him to suck a cock, he's allowing himself to suck a cock and therefore no longer in denial. (And, yes, guys into forced bi are free to identify as straight—indeed, they have to keep identifying as straight, since identifying as bi would fatally undermine the transgression that makes their perfectly legitimate kink arousing.)

But what to call these guys?

Well, CNN, some people into BDSM call themselves "BDSMers." But "forcedbi'ers" doesn't trip quite so easily off the tongue—so maybe we go with "cocksuckers"? It's an emasculating slur, one that straight-identified men throw around to get, um, a rise out of each other. (Call an out-and-over-it gay man a cocksucker, and all you'll get in return is a "No shit.") But while "You're a cocksucker" may be fighting words for a straight guy, they're highly arousing ones for a straight-identified guy who's into forced bi.

On the Lovecast, a scientific study on gay cuckolding: savagelovecast.com.

mail@savagelove.net

@fakedansavage on Twitter

ITMFA.org

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{{ image:1, align:right, width:200 }}Welcome back to One Day at a Time, dears—your brief respite from constant fears of nuclear war! Hold on... this just in... turns out your brief respite is already over! Sorry! SO, ABOUT NUCLEAR WAR... “A new nuclear policy issued by the Trump administration... is touching off a new kind of nuclear arms race,” reports the New York Times, in a story that either ran on their front page or in their “HOLY SHIT WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE” section. “The Pentagon envisions a new age in which nuclear weapons are back in a big way,” the NYT continues. “Its strategy bristles with plans for new low-yield nuclear weapons that advocates say are needed to match Russian advances and critics warn will be too tempting for a president to use.” Those “Russian advances,” BTW, aren’t just code for Vladimir Putin and Donald Trump giving each other sneaky handjobs underneath a Kremlin table. Russia, it turns out, is ramping up their nukes—including developing an “autonomous nuclear torpedo that... appears designed to cross the Pacific undetected and release a deadly cloud of radioactivity that would leave large parts of the West Coast uninhabitable.” Hey, wait a sec! We’re on the West Coast! ALL WE CAN HOPE FOR... is that in these times of geopolitical tension, Donald Trump (who lost the popular vote by 2,864,974 votes and has the lowest approval rating of any president in the history of modern polling) will only use this kind of horrifying, barbaric military force as a last resort, and never glorify it or—hold on.... This just in... “President Trump’s vision of soldiers marching and tanks rolling down the boulevards of Washington is moving closer to reality,” warns the Washington Post! “Officials say they have begun to plan a grand military parade later this year showcasing the might of America’s armed forces.” Wait. Is it too late to add a “HOLY SHIT WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE” section to the Mercury? Maybe between music listings and Savage Love? We should have a crossword, too. And a word jumble!

In addition to possibly bringing about nuclear annihilation, Donald Trump is also very, very racist. Or is he? This week, Donald Trump Jr. defended his daddy, insisting Trump couldn’t be very, very racist... because he used to hang out with “all the rappers”! “It’s been terrible to watch, because I know him, I’ve seen him my whole life, I’ve seen the things he’s done,” whimpered Trump Jr., who is sad that bullies are being so mean to his dad. “It’s amazing, all the rappers... all his African American friends, from Jesse Jackson to Al Sharpton, I have pictures with them,” Donny whined to right-wing cesspool the Daily Caller. “It was only when he got into politics that all of a sudden, ‘Oh, he’s the most terrible human being ever.’” Actually, dipshit, we’re pretty sure your very, very racist father was also the most terrible human being ever before he accidentally became president? But just to be sure, let’s ask all the rappers.

And so, in the continuing saga of “Men! What’s their fucking problem?” we return to Quentin Tarantino. (Heavy sigh.) Last week, Uma Thurman alleged that on the set of Kill Bill, Tarantino coerced her into driving an unsafe car and creepily volunteered to be the off-camera person who choked her character and spit in her face. (And yes, we didthrow up a little bit in our mouth while typing that.) While Thurman says her relationship with Tarantino is fine—she blames the film’s producers, including Harvey Weinstein, for trying to cover up the car accident—the director’s not out of the woods. This week, audio surfaced of Tarantino on Howard Stern in 2003—where he defended child rapist Roman Polanski, claiming the director’s 13-year-old victim“was down with this,” that statutory rape “isn’t rape,” and also, “by the way, we’re talking about America’s morals, not talking about the morals in Europe and everything.” (Ah! In that case, Quentin, never mind!) While we wait for Tarantino’s inevitable performative public apology (though we’ll have to see if he also apologizes for his other problematic behaviors, like the fact that he likes to use the n-word waaay more than any white person should), we’ll ask again: Men! What’s their fucking problem?

Now it’s time for “Men: What’s Their Fucking Problem? White House Edition!” This week, not one but TWO men in Trump’s administration, Staff Secretary Rob Porter and speechwriter David Sorenson, resigned following allegations and evidence of domestic abuse against their ex-wives. But wait, there’s more: Porter never even received a security clearance—even though he handles highly classified material, and the FBI warned the administration of the abuse charges and his obvious susceptibility to blackmail. Chief of Staff John Kelly (whose only job is to bring stability to the White House, and he’s clearly fucked that up) ignored the FBI’s warnings and even defended Porter with a public hum job calling the accused wife beater “a man of integrity and honor.” (FUN FACT: This grotesque statement was co-written by White House communications director Hope Hicks—who’s reportedly in a romantic relationship with Porter AND OMIGOD WE’RE LIVING IN AN EPISODE OF DYNASTY!) So Porter and Sorenson are out the door they never should’ve been allowed to enter in the first place... and how does our Assaulter-in-Chief respond? By strongly speaking out against domestic abuse, of course. HAHAHAHAAAA JK. “People’s lives are being shattered and destroyed by a mere allegation,” Trump tweeted, even after seeing police reports, restraining orders, and photographs of Porter’s alleged abuses. But, sure... men’s lives are being “shattered and destroyed.” Especially if you’re a president accused by 20 women of sexual harassment and/or assault but can’t be prosecuted, thanks to protection from a corrupt, Republican-controlled House and Senate. (Ugh! This is the worst episode of Dynasty ever!)

Today in “The media shall be saved by badass women reporters”: Homophobic ghoul/Vice President Mike Pence has been in South Korea to cheer on our Winter Olympic athletes—or at least the ones that aren’t gay. And while it’s an open secret that Pence is purposefully kept in the dark by his White House cohorts, it took fearless Washington Post reporter Ashley Parker to rub this sad fact in his stupid smirking face. After responding that he’d just found out “this morning” about Rob Porter’s domestic abuse allegations, and only after hearing about it on “the news”(!!), Parker followed up with a verrrry pointed question. “This is now a number of times when you found out—you’re the Vice President, you’re the number two in the administration—about something very late [even] after a number of other senior staff below you have found out about it,” Parker said. “Can you comment on why you often seem a little bit out of the loop on some of this major news?”Oh shit yesssssssss. Congratulations to reporter Ashley Parker, on becoming our current nominee for the One Day at a Time Pulitzer Prize (for throwing shade).

Earlier this week we mentioned that itty-bitty, inconsequential nuclear destruction thingy. And yes, it’s worrisome! That’s why we’ll take our comfort wherever we can get it—even when it’s from former Apprentice contestant/Trump cohort Omarosa. After being removed (some say dragged) from her high-profile White House job, she gained immediate employment on another reality show, Celebrity Big Brother. When asked by fellow contestant Ross Matthews about her time with Trump, Omarosa replied, “I was haunted by tweets every single day, like what is he going to say next?” Later she confessed that she tried to emotionally distance herself from the White House turmoil, but couldn’t, “because it’sbad.” Fearing the lasting effects Trump’s actions could have on America, Matthews asked her, “I need you to say, ‘it’s going to be okay.”“No, it’s not going to be okay,” Omarosa tearfully replied. “It’s not.” (Yes, we realize those are not technically comforting words. But don’t forget! Trump is liar, and so is everyone around him—which means everything actually will be okay! Right? Right?)

And finally, let’s end the week on a high note, shall we? As we reported last week, the SPICE GIRLS ARE GETTING BACK TOGETHEREEEEEEEEEEEE! However, as we also reported, they won’t be doing any singingBOOOOOOOOO! However again, TMZ is now reporting that our reporting was wrong, and they will not only be singing, but kicking off a world concert tour in 2018EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! Now that is the way to end a pretty terrible week, and... wait. THIS JUST IN:“I’m not going on tour, the girls aren’t going on tour,”Victoria “Posh/Party Pooper Spice” Beckham told Vogue today, reconfirming what we were told last week, that the Spice Girls would only be reuniting to “collaborate on a series of projects” that unfortunately won’t include singing. But there is an upside: If you’re reading this, you haven’t yet been burned alive in a Trump-induced nuclear holocaust! Hooray! (Told ya we’d end on a high note!)

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In a pivotal scene in the 1969 film Easy Rider, three men decompress over a campfire and a joint after an uncomfortable run-in with some bigoted middle Americans. George, played by Jack Nicholson, says it best: “Oh yeah, they gonna talk to you, and talk to you, and talk to you about individual freedom, but they see a free individual... it’s gonna scare ’em.”

The same year Easy Rider was trying to slough off conventional society’s hang-ups, Indiana band Coven—fronted by the enigmatic and magical Jinx Dawson—released their debut LP, Witchcraft Destroys Minds and Reaps Souls. At a time when most popular music was all about peace, love, and “smiling on your brother,” Coven went the other direction. Witchcraft teems with dark lyrics about witches, magic spells, and pacts with Lucifer. The record even includes a 13-minute satanic mass ceremony. Pair these occult themes with a trained opera singer and some spooky, jangly rock ’n’ roll akin to Jefferson Airplane or Fleetwood Mac, and you’ve got a band of free individuals certainly capable of scaring some people. According to Dawson, audiences were not ready for such devilish musings.

“They had never seen anything like that before,” she explains. “They were shocked and amazed. We would do shows, we’d walk off stage, and there’d be no applause. We’d go, ‘We have to get out of here. They’re probably gonna kill us!’ We’d be waiting for a few minutes and then the whole place would go up with applause. It took them that long to absorb it. Plus, they probably were all on drugs, too.”

But Dawson clarifies that Coven’s approach was never about trying to shock people or subvert current trends, it was merely about following her own inspiration: “I just thought, if everyone is doing what they like—the hippie life, flowers, love, or whatever—why can’t I mix what I like into the music?”

Of course, introducing such strange and risky subject matter to the general public had its drawbacks. The family members and associates who taught Dawson about the Left-Hand Path were not thrilled that she’d put such secretive information on blast. And on Coven’s next two albums—1971’s Coven and 1974’s Blood on the Snow—labels and producers attempted to steer them away from Satan, which eventually led to the band’s downfall. 

“They knew that maybe they could make a blonde Cher, or something out of [me],” Dawson says. “There was always that problem there. I wasn’t interested in being a famous female singer, frankly. It pretty much ruined my career. I wasn’t able to keep going like I wanted to go. It stopped me. I felt I had a mission, and sometimes I had to go, ‘Oh, do I have to accept this so I can keep on my mission?’”

But Dawson’s never stopped working on her mission: She’s currently writing an autobiography and has resurrected Coven with a new lineup of musicians. She also started her own label called NEVOC Musick to release Coven material new and old. And the band’s touring the world, making stops at some major international festivals.

“I was so excited at Roadburn, Muskelrock, and all these festivals that the audience knew the words to every single song,” she says. “We do a lot from the first album. That was out in 1969! It’s really exciting to me that they searched all the way back.”

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In an interview with the Mercury about her 2016 album Gemini I, Portland singer/songwriter Johanna Warren explained her love of tarot: “For me it’s just a really beautiful and effective tool, like a library of visual, symbolic archetypes, breaking down the human experience into these building blocks that everyone can understand. It raises so many interesting questions, like: Do you believe in predestination? Do you believe in prophecy?”

While Gemini I was inspired by the tarot card “The Lovers,” its sequel, Gemini II, was inspired by “The Devil,” which depicts a couple chained loosely to the throne of the horned demon. Released via Warren’s own label, Spirit House Records, the two albums were recorded simultaneously at an old church in Woodstock, New York, though she decided to wait nine months—the length of gestation for a human fetus—before releasing the second.

Warren’s thoughtful, painstaking attentionto detail is obvious in her symmetrical construction of Gemini I and Gemini II. The twin records each contain nine folksongs that grapple with the double-edged nature of love: Where Gemini I focused on the fulfillment, growth, and joy that can come from romantic partnership, Gemini II illustrates how easily the border between heaven and hell can blur.

Although both albums were recorded at the same time, using the same instruments—fingerpicked acoustic guitar, droning mellotron and synth, twinkling piano, cello—the songs on Gemini II warp lush, intricate melodies with bottom-of-the-well pain as Warren retraces the steps that led to heartbreak. Her lyrics find inspiration in the natural world—cleansing fires, winter rains—and one-sided dialogue with the specter of somebody who’s already gone. This is most striking on the ghostly “Say You Do,” when her voice drops as she snaps, “Some things just don’t work out/So go ahead, get the fuck out.”

Even when she’s narrating the collapse of her relationship, Warren is fiercely optimistic, a beacon of blinding light fighting off the darkness. “I believe nothing is beyond repair,” she insists on the breathtaking “Inreverse” (which landed on a New York Times playlist last month). But throughout Gemini II, she finds unexpected hope and freedom in putting down her tools.

Taken alone, Gemini II is a harrowing, gorgeous experimental folk album with meditative lyrics about the complexities of love. But considered alongside its predecessor, it’s irrefutable proof that Johanna Warren is a master storyteller armed with a heavenly voice and boundless vision.

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I don’t want to break any more hearts, but... despite my writing a column dedicated to the local hip-hop scene, hip-hop is not my favorite genre. I listen to a lot of hip-hop and rap, yes, but nothing tickles my fancy quite like some smooth R&B, rough R&B, or anything resembling soul music. Whether it’s ’90s or contemporary R&B, alt-R&B, indie R&B, neo-soul, or the poorly named PBR&B, it’s more than likely I’ll at least mildly enjoy it.

Lucky for me, Portland’s R&B scene has been blossoming beautifully over the past few years: Soul’d Out Music Festival lineups continue to impress, Tyus keeps releasing quality stuff via Warner Bros. (including his newish EP Phases), and then of course there’s Blossom, whose artistic growth has been a joy to watch. Though unfortunately our local Queen B isn’t playing a show on V-day this year, Blossom recently announced that she’s partnering with No Vacancy Lounge, where she’ll live out her longtime dream of being a resident jazz singer.

Anything falling under the giant R&B umbrella is the perfect soundtrack for Valentine’s Day, whether you’re cuffed or flying solo. Sultry soul can certainly enhance you and your partner’s sexy time, or if you’re super single (like me), you can instead go on a date with yourself and develop a harmless crush on an R&B singer. Here are three ways to include R&B in your Valentine’s Day plans.

Born Reginald Lamar Williams (and FKA Reggie Williams), R.LUM.R has become increasingly famous for his stellar falsetto, as showcased on his insanely popular single “Frustrated,” which has now exceeded 31 million streams on Spotify. The song’s lyrics aren’t even about a love interest (Williams actually wrote it to himself as he struggled with a decision to move from Orlando to Nashville to pursue music), but he sings it with such passion that you’d never be able to guess. Other highlights include 2016’s longing “Tell Me,” and the ultra-moody “Nothing New.” Though he’s widely considered an R&B artist, Williams cites Linkin Park, Elliott Smith, John Mayer, and Fleet Foxes as some of his biggest influences. Here’s hoping the Nashville up-and-comer brings out his guitar for some of his set. Wed Feb 14 at Doug Fir, 830 E Burnside, w/Gibbz

Portland soul songstress Reva DeVito is one of the town’s shiniest rising R&B stars. For the last several years DeVito’s put out a bunch of cool ’90s-flavored urban pop and R&B—please see “The Move” (produced by KAYTRANADA), 2016’s “Babe Squad,” and 2013’s “Sweetest Taboo.” Last year, DeVito and Los Angeles producer B. Bravo teamed to become Umii, and released an eight-track, aqua-themed album called This Time. It’s a real treat, with funk-infused joints like “Dangerous” and the addictive “Masquerade.” The idea of surrendering to DeVito’s sultry vocals for a night sounds like the best option. Wed Feb 14 at Holocene, 1001 SE Morrison, w/Drama Duo, DJ Fritzwa

{{ image:2, align:right, width:250 }}After rocking the Thesis recently with his band the Pariahs, rapper Wes Guy is dropping a five-track R&B EP called Love Junky this week. “The ideology of love being a drug stems from a rough patch in my relationship two years ago,” Guy explains in a press release, “where I wanted to escape, but I was so hooked by the past highs (memories) that I couldn’t fathom the current state of low points.” Opening track “Love Drug” captures this perfectly, with emotive, guitar-driven production and lyrics about a relationship crashing alongside lines like, “She always keeps me high, though/She makes me lose my mind, though.” There’s also the ballad “When We Lay,” featuring vocals from Mai Mae of Fringe Class, and closing track “Azul Skies,” which focuses on the love of life and self-love rather than romance. Wes Guy raps throughout the project, but it’s the smooth, easy-on-the-ears vibe of this EP that makes it reminiscent of soul. Sun Feb 18 at the Jack London Revue, 529 SW 4th, w/the Pariahs

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PRINCESS NOKIA, SUZI ANALOGUE, KARMA RIVERA
(Wonder Ballroom, 128 NE Russell) Princess Nokia’s debut LP 1992Deluxe is a love letter to New York City. Eight years after dropping her breakthrough single “Destiny” on SoundCloud (released under the moniker Wavy Spice), Destiny Frasqueri is at the forefront of a musical revolution fueled by political consciousness, unabashed feminism, and the power of realness. Frasqueri—who now goes by Princess Nokia—grew up in East Harlem and the Bronx, and her long-awaited studio album proudly pays homage to the streets that raised her. Unlike artists who’ve jumped on the #resistance train since it’s become hip, her experiences and stories aren’t performance—she isn’t afraid to throw hot soup at drunk racists on the subway or punch sexist male fans at her shows. Frasqueri’s sound and style oozes nostalgia for the ’90s; though she cites Queen Latifah and Lil Kim as major inspirations, songs like “Tomboy” also draw undeniable influence from riot grrrl. In the track’s music video, the Black and Native rapper rocks rectangular wire eyeglasses, oversized crew necks, and gold name chains while flashing cars on a freeway overpass with friends and rapping about the magic of her pussy—it’s an anthem that unapologetically celebrates the beauty of bodies. Frasqueri says her fascination with the ’90s is a response to the trauma of losing her mother to AIDS at three years old and being raised by an abusive foster mother for most of her childhood. Born in 1992, Frasqueri’s early ’00s were riddled with deep emotional and physical abuse, so she’s chosen to block out memories from those years. After running away at 16, Frasqueri says she was able to start living again. Almost a decade later, Princess Nokia is synonymous with self-love, rawness, and ancestral resilience. And, as Frasqueri explained in an interview with the Guardian last year, “A Princess Nokia show is this place where girls can take space in the way that men and brotherhood do.” EMILLY PRADO

MARY TIMONY, ALLISON CRUTCHFIELD
(Mississippi Studios, 3939 N Mississippi) Mary Timony is finally getting the credit she’s long deserved for being a guitar player and songwriter of rare vintage. There was an entire Pitchfork article devoted to that very subject, with folks like Sadie Dupuis and Timony’s Wild Flag bandmate Carrie Brownstein singing her praises as a shredder and innovator. Much of that came in the wake of Timony’s work with Wild Flag and Ex Hex, her brilliant power-pop band with Betsy Wright and Laura Harris. But where she truly came to the fore was in the ’90s, when she was the singer/guitarist for the art-rock trio Helium. During the band’s short time together, their two albums (1995’s The Dirt of Luck and 1997’s The Magic City) cut a dazzling path between the harder-edged work of her riot grrrl contemporaries and the more tender explorations of folks like Liz Phair. What Timony shares with all of these artists are songs that spell out her personal frustrations, particularly with the men in her past who treated her like a prude or a plaything. That she meshed them with mystical imagery (dragons and unicorns make prominent appearances) only confused some critics who wanted to frame her as a lost faerie princess. But as the music proves through all its knotted-up time signatures and mucky guitar tones, Timony was entirely earthbound and shouldn’t have been as far removed from stardom as she remains. The tide could be turning in that department, if the euphoric response to the recent vinyl reissues of Helium’s albums are any indication. Or the news that her show at Mississippi Studios—where she will perform a full set of Helium tunes backed by members of the band Hospitality—is completely sold out. If you’ve slept on Timony all this while, it’s long past time to wake up. ROBERT HAM

R.LUM.R, GIBBZ
(Doug Fir, 830 E Burnside) See Sneaker Wave.

SAINT VALENTINE: REVA DEVITO, DRAMA DUO, DJ FRITZWA
(Holocene, 1001 SE Morrison) See Sneaker Wave.

DUA LIPA, TOMMY GENESIS
(Roseland, 8 NW 6th) Maybe you caught her on Saturday Night Live a couple weeks ago, or heard her on the radio—either way, pop singer Dua Lipa is blowing up. This London native is already big in Europe, but most famous here in the states for her wildly popular hit “New Rules” (as in “One: Don’t pick up the phone/you know he’s only calling 'cause he’s drunk and alone”) which is not only a club banger, but offers really good advice! But don’t miss out on her other hit “IDGAF,” which is another danceable fuck-off leveled at a lousy ex. This show’s sold out, but if you can score tickets, you will be verrrry happy you did. WM. STEVEN HUMPHREY

PORTLAND JAZZ COMPOSERS’ ENSEMBLE, EDNA VAZQUEZ
(The Old Church, 1422 SW 11th) The Portland Jazz Composers’ Ensemble is a swinging 12-piece chamber orchestra that’s teaming up with one of the city’s most unique musical treasures as part of the 15th annual PDX Jazz Festival. Originally from western Mexico and steeped in traditional mariachi music, Edna Vazquez is a powerful singer, imaginative songwriter, dynamic guitarist, and kickass whistler whose universal message of love and healing transcends any language. A mind-blowing, heart-breaking vocal range injects passion and life into songs rooted in her Mexican heritage and fused with an almost indescribable blend of folk, jazz, and rock. Vazquez is the perfect antidote to toxic machismo, so do your soul a favor and catch this unforgettable performer if you can. BRIAN HORAY

SABERTOOTH MICRO FEST: COVEN, YOB, CONAN, PILLORIAN
(Crystal Ballroom, 1332 W Burnside) Sabertooth Micro Fest returns this weekend to host three nights of mind-melting psychedelic stoner rock. This year’s lineup includes the occult heavy metal forbears of Coven, indie rock guitar hero Jay Som, and local favorites like Cat Hoch and Lavender Flu. CIARA DOLAN Read our story on Coven.

GIANTS IN THE TREES, SKULL DIVER, MERE MENTION
(Mission Theater, 1624 NW Glisan) The first thing you’ll probably hear about Giants in the Trees is that the band’s bassist/accordionist is none other than Krist Novoselic of Nirvana. But musically, Giants in the Trees share little (if anything) with Novoselic’s famous past—after meeting late last year at their local Grange in Skamokawa, Washington, the four-piece released their swamp-rocky self-titled debut and has since been playing shows around the Pacific Northwest. The band’s true star is singer/guitarist Jillian Raye, whose enchanting, Stevie Nicks-esque vocals and sultry guitar runs buoy songs like “Sasquatch” and “The In-Between.” Giants in the Trees strays into quirky realms on the zydeco-influenced “Ode to Pacific Anarchism,” but pop explorations like “Paper Life” cut the occasionally strange tracks with magically melodic rock. RYAN J. PRADO

STRANGE RANGER, COOL AMERICAN, WORLD RECORD WINNER, STELLA WALKER
(Black Water Bar, 835 NE Broadway) Ever since releasing their monumental, 72-minute-long debut LP Rot Forever in 2016, signing with East Coast indie label Tiny Engines, and putting out the phenomenal sophomore album Daymoon last year, Strange Ranger has showed no signs of slowing down. Despite comparisons to indie rock torchbearers Modest Mouse and Built to Spill, the Portland band has carved out an identity all its own. Perhaps most distinct about Strange Ranger’s sound is Isaac Eiger’s vocals—sometimes he’s screaming, other times he’s whispering introspective lyrics. That’s what makes them one of my favorite bands in the Northwest and beyond. Tonight they’re kicking off their US tour with an all-ages show at Black Water Bar with fellow local acts Cool American, World Record Winner, and Stella Walker. DELANEY MOTTER

AND AND AND, TRIBE MARS, MELT
(Doug Fir, 830 E Burnside) Along with their new album Idiot, local rock ’n’ roll heroes And And And are releasing a manifesto of sorts to explain why they’re keeping it off all digital streaming platforms, instead offering unlimited streaming and free downloads exclusively through their website (plus on vinyl). The gist is this: The internet is bad for us, both as individuals and as a society, and it becomes more powerful every day, thanks in part to our social media and streaming activity. And streaming platforms are bad because they devalue music and take control of how it is presented away from artists. The manifesto is, ummm, colorfully written—And And And has apparently named the internet “Bragi,” and a recent photo of the band shows them all wearing tinfoil hats—but the thing is absolutely oozing with truth. Which is why you should delete your Spotify account, visit And And And’s website, and check out the band’s nervy, dynamic guitar-rock, which buzzes and crunches and thumps and squeals in a way that’s both comfortingly familiar and a little bit chaotic. BEN SALMON

DJ MANNY, DJ TAYE, SONIC D, ERIC FURY, MONSTER EATS THE IMAGE
(PICA, 15 NE Hancock) Chi-Town takes over PICA for this night of footwork featuring DJ Manny and DJ Taye, two producers who helped create and define the subgenre in the early 2000s with the now-global Teklife collective. Synthesizing influences from ghetto house, Detroit techno, and beyond, footwork is also a style of dance with lightning-fast moves that bring to life the sound’s intricate rhythms. This event features DJ sets, performances, a dance workshop led by Manny and Taye, plus a screening of the 2014 documentary I’m Tryna Tell Ya, which gives an intimate glimpse at the close-knit Teklife crew and key figures like DJ Spinn, RP Boo, Traxman, and the late legend DJ Rashad. Sonic D of Los Angeles’ hardworking Juke Bounce Werk collective will open the show, along with DJ Eric Fury and live act Monster Eats the Image. Neybuu—a Portland producer of experimental footwork—will provide visuals. DANIELA SERNA

SABERTOOTH MICRO FEST: PARQUET COURTS, JAPANESE BREAKFAST, JAY SOM, CAT HOCH, HAND HABITS
(Crystal Ballroom, 1332 W Burnside) See Friday's preview.

JOHANNA WARREN, MAITLAND
(The Old Church, 1422 SW 11th) Portland folksinger/songwriter Johanna Warren is celebrating the release of her meditative new album Gemini II (the sequel to 2016’s Gemini I) and kicking off her “Plant Medicine Tour” with this intimate show and herb market at the Old Church. The twin records were inspired by the tarot cards “The Lovers” and “The Devil,” and were released via Warren’s own label, Spirit House Records. CD Read our review of Johanna Warren’s new album, Gemini II.

THE MUSIC OF JOHN WILLIAMS: OREGON SYMPHONY
(Arlene Schnitzer Concert Hall, 1037 SW Broadway) John Williams has composed some of the most famous scores in cinematic history, making him as much a pop star as a world-renowned conductor and composer. Hell, he’d probably reached that mark by the time he completed the music for Raiders of the Lost Ark back in 1981. While Williams is most famous for the ubiquitous theme for the Star Wars films (the saving grace for Episodes I-III), the 86-year-old composer has been Steven Spielberg’s right-hand man since the director made his debut with 1974’s The Sugarland Express. Williams is responsible for the theme from Jaws—you know, those two ominous notes that play in your head every time you dip your toe in the ocean—as well as the Indiana Jones franchise and the beautiful, haunting, less grandiose score for Schindler’s List. Over the past two years, the Oregon Symphony has performed the scores for Raiders of the Lost Ark and Star Wars, so they’re primed and ready to bring more of Williams’ oeuvre to life onstage. MARK LORE

ZEKE, FETISH, BOMB SQUAD, THE SADISTS
(Dante’s, 350 W Burnside) If you want to know how long hard rock juggernaut Zeke has been tearing new ones and crushing skulls, consider this: The band got together in Seattle and played its first show way back when Kurt Cobain was still alive. A quarter-century later, Zeke has built both an extensive recorded catalog of burly, warp-speed thrash-punk and a reputation as one of the fastest, hardest live bands ever to take the stage. Next month, the group will crank up the volume again when it releases Hellbender, its first full-length album in more than 14 years. There are three songs available at Zeke’s Bandcamp, and they’re a combustible collision of the Ramones’ speed and the Melvins’ heaviness. Put it this way: If people compare your band to Motörhead just about every time they have to compare your band to another band, you’re doing something right. Zeke’s been doing something right for a long time. BS

SEAN ROWE, ANNA TIVEL

(Doug Fir, 830 E Burnside) Portland singer/songwriter Anna Tivel’s 2017 record Small Believer is a quiet and sparse affair, even by folk standards. Its songs consist merely of vocals, gently strummed guitars, and the occasional light percussion, but there’s a forcefulness in this approach, owing largely to the sheer strength of her voice and songwriting. Like her predecessors Nick Drake and Loudon Wainwright III, Tivel is a master of evocation; each of Small Believer’s 11 tracks conjures a unique set of emotions. Opener “Illinois”—surely the most beautiful song with the state in its title since Tom Waits’“Johnsburg, Illinois”—provides the backdrop for a late-night drive along an unpeopled, single-lane highway in the middle of the country, and “Alleyway” and “Riverside Hotel” are heartbreaking vignettes that showcase Tivel’s lyrics. It’s a healthy reminder that you don’t need to be loud to be powerful. MORGAN TROPER

THE BUILDERS AND THE BUTCHERS, FEDERALE, AUTOPILOT IS FOR LOVERS
(Mississippi Studios, 3939 N Mississippi) When a band—especially a Portland band—is silent for longer than a year, people assume they’ve either sold their guitars and pursued more lucrative careers or moved to LA. Nearly a decade has passed since Autopilots Is for Lovers’ last album, To the Wolves, so you’d be forgiven for thinking they’d hung up their hats for good. But the Balkan-indie-folk duo of multi-instrumentalists Adrienne Hatkin and Paul Seely is at last set to release its long-awaited follow-up, Not Now Apocalypse, in May, and tonight they’re celebrating the release of the album’s first single, “Boll Weevil.” Centering on Hatkin’s accordion and her haunting, tremulous voice, “Boll Weevil” also incorporates strings, keys, drums, and other instruments to make for a much fuller, bolder, and more richly orchestrated effort than anything they’ve done before. Longtime Autopilot fans will be amply rewarded for the long wait, while first-time listeners might soon discover their new favorite local band. SANTI ELIJAH HOLLEY

YEAR OF THE COYOTE, HAIR PULLER, BEACH PARTY, SHE
(Twilight Café and Bar, 1420 SE Powell) Forged from the ashes of raucous hardcore crew Two Hands, Portland’s Year of the Coyote has been a staple at murky haunts like the Know, Tonic Lounge, and Twilight Café over the past few years. It’s fitting, then, that the trio chose Twilight as the venue to host the long-awaited release of their full-length debut, Siege. The record’s full-bodied onslaught is riddled with discordant guitar explorations and ferocious drumming—it’s the perfect soundtrack for the next time you’re pissed off at everything in the entire world. Interspersed with audio clips of seemingly nefarious origins, songs like the punishing “State of Nature” arrive dangerously heavy. YOTC refuses to pump the brakes on the guttural tsunami of “Last Men,” a song so inherently slam-danceable, you’ll barely notice that after two minutes it’s already transitioned to another song in the form of the equally ferocious “Open Letter.” Get ready to rumble. RJP

SABERTOOTH MICRO FEST: THURSTON MOORE, HERON OBLIVION, THE LAVENDER FLU
(Crystal Ballroom, 1332 W Burnside) See Friday's preview.

THE MUSIC OF JOHN WILLIAMS: OREGON SYMPHONY
(Arlene Schnitzer Concert Hall, 1037 SW Broadway) See Saturday’s preview.

PAT KEEN, NUMBSKULL, TETON
(Mothership Music, 3611 NE MLK) Pat Keen is apparently most comfortable when the music he’s playing is entirely uncomfortable. The Minnesotan has logged time as a touring member of Guerilla Toss, an unbound group that views post-punk dance music as a challenge to overcome, and is currently one-quarter of Wei Zhongle, a project that mixes and matches genres and tones with abandon. Keen’s solo work, as heard most recently on his latest full-length Albatross, is a lot more contained than either of those outfits, but still enjoys a carefree stroll on the paths that run between folk, art pop, and something like jazz. There are elements of these songs that connect with those genre descriptions but don’t feel tethered to their history or structures. Like Jad Fair of Half Japanese or Oregon’s own Michael Hurley, he dances his own steps and asks us to come up with our own in response. ROBERT HAM

ROCKETSHIP, BAD GUYS, ANDREW KAFFER AND THE STUFFED SHIRTS
(Kelly’s Olympian, 426 SW Washington) “I Love You Like the Way I Used to Do,” the first track on indie band Rocketship’s 1996 debut A Certain Smile, A Certain Sadness, is the perfect archetype of the twee, jangly pop song: It’s got a simple melody, hastily strummed guitar, and endearingly innocent lyrics that hint at a darker subtext. Rocketship emerged from northern California in the early ’90s, the heyday of bands like Heavenly, Tiger Trap, and Beat Happening. They were certainly influenced by those other twee groups, but these days, it’s Rocketship doing the influencing; listen to A Certain Smile and the Pains of Being Pure at Heart’s first album, and you’ll hear the resemblance. Tonight, Rocketship’s Dusty Reske and Ellen Osborn will play Kelly’s Olympian, nearly a quarter-century since releasing that debut. ISABEL LYNDON

MARY TIMONY PLAYS HELIUM, ALLISON CRUTCHFIELD

(Mississippi Studios, 3939 N Mississippi) Read our Mary Timony super pick.

SHAME, DREAMDECAY
(Doug Fir Lounge, 830 E Burnside) The death of the Fall’s Mark E. Smith has left a huge hole in the post-punk firmament, waiting to be filled by another weedy, angry young singer who scowls brilliant stream-of-consciousness poetry into a microphone while evidencing pure pity and contempt for anyone watching. To that vaunted position, I nominate Charlie Steen, vocalist for the South London quintet Shame. While his bandmates steer their collective ship along a tension-filled route mapped out by forerunners like Bloc Party and Buzzcocks, Steen paces around, snarling out lyrics that verge on political commentary. Mostly he just seems disgusted with everything he lays his wide-eyed gaze on. “I like you better when you’re not around,” he intones on “Tasteless,” one of the most brutally tuneful tracks on Shame’s brilliant new debut, Songs of Praise. If you don’t know who the “you” is in this scenario, chances are you’re it. RH

PRINCESS NOKIA, SUZI ANALOGUE, KARMA RIVERA
(Wonder Ballroom, 128 NE Russell) Read our Princess Nokia super pick.

THE ALBUM LEAF, VÁKOUM
(Doug Fir, 830 E Burnside) San Diego musician Jimmy LaValle began his career in SoCal hardcore bands like the Locust and Swing Kids, but changed course with his quiet, ambient, post-rock solo project the Album Leaf. Using a Rhodes piano and synthesizer, LaValle creates moody soundscapes in the same vein as Mogwai and Explosions in the Sky. In 2016, he released his sixth studio album, Between Waves—a collision of instrumental krautrock and synth-pop that proves that even after almost 20 years, the Album Leaf can still experiment. CERVANTE POPE

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Marvel movies get a bad rap for their cheesy dialogue, disjointed plots, and truly absurd, CGI-crowded battle scenes. But you never know when they’ll drop a gem. Ryan Coogler’s Black Panther is one huuuge gem, and comes closer to achieving truth and realness in its story than any Marvel film has before. Fully embracing its Blackness, the film smartly toes the line between history and fantasy.

Black Panther kicks off with a short explainer on Wakanda, a secretive African nation whose mountains contain a super-powerful metal, vibranium. The substance is key to all of Wakanda’s technological advancements—it’s laced into their clothes, weapons, and vehicles. But even as vibranium enabled Wakanda to become a techtropolis, it also led the country to isolate itself.

Then the film really kicks off, beginning in 1992 Oakland, where a Wakandan spy (Sterling K. Brown) concludes his nation’s isolationist ways are allowing other African descendants to suffer from poverty, over-policing, and high incarceration rates: “Our people suffer,” he says, “because they don’t have the tools to fight back.”

Indeed, Black Panther asks, why have generations of Wakandan leadership stood by as Black people around the globe suffer? This questioning of Wakanda’s monarchy plagues T’Challa (Chadwick Boseman), whose birthright is to become not only the Wakandan king, but, as Black Panther, the protector of Wakanda’s tribes.

T’Challa knows that exposing Wakanda’s technological capabilities could end his people’s lives as they know them—but he also can’t justify the choices made by previous kings.

Still, T’Challa must continue his missions, which include bringing justice to Ulysses Klaue (Andy Serkis), a maniacal South African with a shit-eating grin—and, in place of his amputated arm, a device made of stolen, weaponized vibranium.

T’Challa’s got someone else making his life harder, too: ex-soldier Erik Killmonger (Michael B. Jordan), a self-professed kill machine with the scars to prove it. Killmonger’s spent his life training to avenge his father’s death and overthrow Wakanda’s monarch, with a plan to use vibranium to start the world over—this time with Blacks on top. Jordan’s impassioned monologues cut and sting, offering harsh truths about Wakandan leaders letting Black people suffer; I spent much of Black Panther trying to decide whether Killmonger was fully evil, or justified in his hellbent quest for reparations. While basically playing a poster boy for Black rage, Jordan illustrates how Killmonger is a monster of Wakanda’s own making. (Is this a reference to Black-on-Black crime, hidden inside a shiny, big-budget Marvel movie? Your call.)

Along with Jordan, the women in Black Panther are some of my favorite characters. Instead of #BlackGirlMagic, they have technology: T’Challa’s hilarious little sister Shuri (Letitia Wright) is the genius engineer behind not only his bulletproof Black Panther suit, but various weapons and Wakanda’s transportation system. (She also has all the best lines.) As philanthropist Nakia (and T’Challa’s ex!), Lupita Nyong’o finally gets to do it all, showcasing her chops at action, humor, and romance. And, led by fierce warrior Okoye (Danai Gurira), Wakanda’s all-female guard, the Dora Milaje, are nearly flawless in their Afrofuturist armor and unwavering defense of their king. It’s also worth mentioning a couple of great hair moments—most notably when Okoye complains about having to wear a “disgraceful” wig as a disguise (only to use it for a kill a few moments later), and the regal Angela Bassett’s icy-white dreadlocks, which deserve an Oscar.

For more than two hours, I was able to immerse myself in a technologically superior African society untouched by colonization—something that’s empowering in and of itself.

There are also a few things I didn’t love about Black Panther: First, there’s Martin Freeman’s seemingly pointless CIA agent (though he is a great recipient for Shuri’s “Don’t scare me like that, colonizer” line), and then there’s... a pack of metallic CGI rhinos?

Still, there’s greatness in here: During a car chase in South Korea, Okoye rolls her eyes as bullets ping off the windshield. “Guns,” she says. “So primitive.” It’s one more example of how Black Panther’s reimagined history flips the status quo. For more than two hours, I was able to immerse myself in a technologically superior African society untouched by colonization—something that’s empowering in and of itself. If you know a bit about Black history, it might be hard for you to wrap your mind around the idea of an African nation that’s maintained its power, its resources, and its choice to aid the rest of the world. But it sure is fun to try.

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Initially enchanted by lead single “All the Stars,” with its tribal drum beat and dazzling Afrocentric music video, I’ve been bumping the Kendrick Lamar-curated Black Panther soundtrack all week. The song (which features SZA) is a worthy representative of the rest of the album—and, as I’d hoped, it came on right as Black Panther’s end credits rolled for the audience to enjoy as we waited for the sequel-teasing stingers.

In addition to producing original music for the album, Kung Fu Kenny appears on roughly half of the 14 tracks. After seeing the latest Marvel installment (and discovering how unapologetically Black it is), Lamar’s integral involvement in the movie’s music makes even more sense. There’s a humming tribal undercurrent throughout the album, with African beats, chants, and various verbal references to Wakanda and other elements of Black Panther. Lamar is famous for his unconventional use of jazz influences and artists on his critically acclaimed album To Pimp a Butterfly; here, he incorporates a variety of styles and artists on the track list.

“X,” with Schoolboy Q, 2 Chainz, and Saudi, stands out as an immediate favorite, though I didn’t notice when (or if) it was used in the movie. “Pray for Me,” with the Weeknd, sets the perfect mood for kicking off the film’s deadly casino mission, and there’s also gorgeous R&B from UK artist Jorja Smith (“I Am”) and a playful Travis Scott-Kendrick Lamar collab (“Big Shot”).

On songs like “Paramedic” and “King’s Dead” (with rapper Future and singer/songwriter James Blake), Lamar embodies a wrathful king and an African warrior. The sinister "King's Dead" roils with references to Erik Killmonger, Black Panther’s villain—at one point toward the end, Lamar even proclaims, “All hail King Killmonger.”

Another highlight is the festive-yet-somber “Seasons,” which features Sacramento rapper Mozzy, MC Reason, and Johannesburg native Sjava, who raps his entire verse in the Zulu language before a soulfully sung chorus. The English verses are equally appropriate to the subject matter, with lines like “Trapped in the system, traffickin’ drugs/Modern-day slavery, African thugs/We go to war for this African blood.”

I missed a lot of these themes in the music before seeing the movie, so I’m guessing that Black Panther: The Album gets better and more dissectible the more times I see the movie. And I plan on seeing it as many times as humanly possible.

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Luann Algoso is a professional do-gooder with a master’s degree in Peace Studies and Conflict Resolution. Since moving to Portland nearly a decade ago, she’s busied herself with making the world a better place. After landing a job at one of Oregon’s largest nonprofits, she was thrilled—but soon saw that while the organization’s mission was commendable, it wasn’t exempt from office politics and hierarchical practices. “I was having a tough time trying to grapple with the realities of the nonprofit-industrial complex,” Algoso says. “I realized that you can try and try, and do good for the community, but you still [have to] think about the politics of being restricted in the kind of work you want to do.”

Algoso considered writing a novel about her experiences, but instead a screenplay formed, leading to her new web series, Gabby Smashes the Imperialist, White Supremacist, Capitalist Patriarchy!

“I envisioned more of a workplace comedy sitcom, similar to The Office or Parks and Rec, but as soon as Dawn [Jones Redstone] joined as a co-writer, the story started to shift,” Algoso says. “The show is about more than just working at a nonprofit and rather what it’s like to try and do good work despite being met with so many obstacles.” On Tuesday, February 20, Algoso and Redstone will premiere the pilot episode at Portland State University (it’ll be available online the next day) in advance of financing future episodes.

Gabby Smashes... follows the trials and tribulations of Gabby Antonio (played by Algoso), a bright-eyed Filipina idealist who helps Oregonians at UNHAPI (United Native Hawaiians and Asian Pacific Islanders). The show’s cast is made up almost entirely of Asian American and Pacific Islander (AAPI) actors. “I decided to focus on the AAPI community because it would be an opportunity to show how vast and diverse the community is, and how different issues affect different Asian and Pacific Islander ethnic groups,” says Algoso. “It’s an attempt to see just how diverse the AAPI umbrella is.” The show’s title—a nod to bell hooks—might not roll off the tongue, but Algoso says that’s the point: Intersecting systems of oppression can never be palatably simplified.

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As the robber barons in charge of America attempt to isolate our country from the rest of the world, the Portland International Film Festival makes its annual cinematic case for humankind’s inherent interconnectedness. The 88 feature films and 48 shorts that the NW Film Center has collected will pack Portland theaters for the next two weeks, bringing a can’t-eat-it-all smorgasbord of movies from every corner of the globe. While the diversity of this year’s lineup outlines how privilege, race, and geography can divide us, the films themselves successfully argue that many of our struggles and ambitions are universal.

PIFF’s pulse-taking of global cinema is highlighted by a remarkable movie made close to home: Andrew Haigh’s Lean on Pete (Feb 28) was shot in Portland and in Burns, Oregon, and adapted from Portland-area writer/musician Willy Vlautin’s magnificent 2010 novel. It’s a difficult but extraordinary movie to sit through; while Vlautin’s humanism cushions the book’s tragic but ultimately hopeful story of a latchkey teen and his horse, Haigh’s film is observational and conspicuously unsentimental, keeping in line with Vlautin’s unadorned prose style but giving its rawer elements a knife’s-edge immediacy. Charlie Plummer as the 15-year-old boy is restrained but riveting to watch, and Steve Buscemi, as a no-bullshit horse trainer, is at his very best.

The American high-desert milieu of Lean on Pete finds its inverse in Australian director Warwick Thornton’s excellent historical drama, Sweet Country (Feb 17 & 19), set in a barely civilized 1929 Northern Territory. An Aboriginal man, Sam (Hamilton Morris), kills a “whitefella” in self-defense, and a search party—including Sam Neill and Bryan Brown—pursues him into the inhospitable outback. If the film has a weak point, it’s how Sam’s wife is relegated to the background for much of the story, but her experience, and indeed her muted presence, gives the film a powerful undercurrent, and Thornton avoids the easy tack of turning the imperfect Sam into a martyr. The film deftly echoes Australian classics like Wake in Fright and Walkabout along with American westerns, but its depiction of institutional racism set against impassive terrain feels altogether unique.

While the diversity of this year’s lineup outlines how privilege, race, and geography can divide us, the films themselves successfully argue that many of our struggles and ambitions are universal.

Israeli director Samuel Maoz’s Foxtrot (Feb 18 & 19) deals with similarly heavy topics, but its intimate familial tragedy is given a comically surreal bent. An older married couple receives news that their soldier son has been killed in action, but after we bear witness to their suffocating grief in the film’s opening stretches, an extraordinary central section unfolds, showing the son at his military post at a border checkpoint. Essentially a self-contained film on its own, this wonderful middle act uses bizarre visuals and a dry comedic tone to depict the dehumanizing day-to-day boredom of the young man’s assignment even as it reveals the undeniable tug of hopefulness and potential in his life. Maoz’s visuals are unforgettable: a riderless camel, a shipping container sinking into the earth, a young Arab woman caught in a searchlight. Even if Foxtrot’s other two-thirds don’t quite match this sequence’s marvelously audacious storytelling, the pieces add up to a powerful whole.

The fragmented storytelling techniques of Félicité (Feb 16 & 17) are just as unorthodox; Senegalese director Alain Gomis follows the titular singer (an astonishing Véro Tshanda Beya Mputu) as she roams the streets of Kinshasa trying to raise money for her son’s operation. An electric band of Congolese musicians and an orchestra playing classical music function as dueling Greek choruses, and Gomis uses head-on close-ups to explore the spaces between his characters’ outward expressions and inward emotions. While the movie’s thrust of plot dissolves midway through, its observations of Félicité’s life—and her budding relationship with a sweet but philandering drunkard—are refreshingly free of moralist narrative conventions.

Indonesian revenge flick Marlina the Murderer in Four Acts (Feb 19 & 25) is less inclined to let its offenders off the hook, and it pairs its tale of beheadings, mummies, and ghosts with a ferociously welcome feminism. Marlina (Marsha Timothy) is subjected to robbery and rape, but her resolve never breaks, and the film finds time between the blood and killings to depict an affecting camaraderie between Marlina and a motherless girl. Meanwhile, the chilly Hungarian drama On Body and Soul (Feb 16 & 24) has even more blood—albeit much of it bovine, as its story of dream-entwined coworkers is set in a slaughterhouse.

Romanian farce 6.9 on the Richter Scale (Feb 17 & 21) should be avoided; it manages to be both sexist and unsexy, with a dreadful musical interpretation of the myth of Orpheus and Eurydice unconvincingly contextualizing its leading man’s marriage to a moody, one-dimensional caricature of female insecurity. Argentinian director Lucrecia Martel’s Zama (Feb 18 & 21) is far more artistically successful, but its story of an 18th-century Spanish functionary stranded in a remote Paraguayan outpost is deliberately disorienting and patience-testing.

But the films mentioned earlier should absolutely be sought out—amidst the dozens of other films at this year’s PIFF, all of them offering passport-free journeys to all kinds of new places and perspectives.

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AIRPORT CINEMA SHOWCASE
A screening of the locally-made shorts currently playing at Hollywood’s microcinema at the Portland Airport, including works by Dave Depper and Laura Gibson, Chris Funk and Ural Thomas, Jeff Winograd, and more. Hollywood Theatre.

★BLACK PANTHER
See review, this issue. Various Theaters.

★BOYZ N THE HOOD
After Boyz n the Hood blew up, its director John Singleton went on to direct a bunch of stuff: Poetic Justice, Higher Learning, Shaft, 2 Fast 2 Furious. And Boyz’ young cast—which included Ice Cube, Angela Bassett, Morris Chestnut, Laurence Fishburne, Cuba Gooding Jr., and Nia Long—went on to be part of a whopping number of notable projects. In some ways, watching these actors in a movie that’s 27 years old feels like opening up a time capsule (behold the soundtrack, which features everyone from 2 Live Crew to Tony! Toni! Toné!); in other ways, Boyz n the Hood remains as timely as it was in the ’90s. ERIK HENRIKSEN Fifth Avenue Cinema.

DOUBLE LOVER
In this campy psychosexual thriller from François Ozon, a sad lady with psychosomatic stomach problems falls in love with her therapist (let’s not), then his evil twin. What follows is a mishmash between freaky horror tropes and softcore porn, despite the film’s insistence that its heroine suffers from frigidity, which I feel contractually obligated to tell you isn’t a real condition. I also feel contractually obligated to warn you that Double Lover contains (1) multiple rape scenes, (2) a speculum shot that will make you never want to go to the gynecologist again, (3) a shameless amount of medical grossness, including a stomach critter much worse than the one in Alien, and (4) constant low-level dread. (Vive la France!) If you have problems with any of those things, don’t see Double Lover. But if you have a strong stomach, Ozon’s preposterous commitment to his absurd premise almost makes it worthwhile. MEGAN BURBANK Fox Tower 10.

★DR. STRANGELOVE, OR HOW I LEARNED TO STOP WORRYING AND LOVE THE BOMB
Hey, look. A movie about Portland and fluoride. Academy Theater.

EARLY MAN
Nick Park, the man who created Wallace and Gromit, has made another original stop-motion animated film. This one’s about Stone Age tribes competing against Bronze Age snobs in what’s basically the world’s first World Cup. So yeah: A stop-motion caveman sports movie spoof starring the voices of Newt Scamander, Loki, and Arya Stark. Various Theaters.

FIFTY SHADES FREED
Thinking about how Fifty Shades Freed is just boring, latter-season Gossip Girl with nipples got me all hung up on how good Gossip Girl used to be. I’d rather re-watch that than see rich people play with butt plugs any day of the week. ELINOR JONES Various Theaters.

GABBY ANTONIO SMASHES THE IMPERIALIST, WHITE SUPREMACIST, CAPITALIST PATRIARCHY
See Film, this issue. PSU’s Smith Memorial Student Union.

★THE MAN WHO FELL TO EARTH
Susan Compo’s new book, Earthbound: David Bowie and The Man Who Fell to Earth, goes behind the scenes of the 1976 Bowie-starring science fiction film, with a complete account of its making, from Walter Tevis’ source novel to a breakdown of the movie’s multiple edits. Tonight, the Nicolas Roeg-directed masterwork screens at the Hollywood—in its intended, full-length version—with Compo in attendance. NED LANNAMANN Hollywood Theatre.

PIPE ORGAN PICTURES: SEVEN CHANCES
Dean Lemire plays the organ while Buster Keaton dodges giant falling rocks and something like 200 crazed women as he tries to earn millions getting married by 7 pm. Seven Chances was shot in 1926, but there are stunts in this thing that would make Jackie Chan and Tom Cruise be like, “Nah buddy, that ain’t for me. You’re going to kill someone trying to get that on film.”Hollywood Theatre.

★PORTLAND BLACK FILM FESTIVAL
For years, the Hollywood Theatre’s Portland Black Film Festival has brought some fantastic films to town—films from African American filmmakers, films that focus on Black lives and experiences, and films that are worth a look from everybody. The 2018 edition, curated by local comics writer, filmmaker, and educator David Walker, is no different, filling February with a wide-ranging selection of movies... and the great Joe Morton, the festival’s guest of honor. Perhaps best known from his role on Scandal and for causing the robot apocalypse in Terminator 2: Judgment Day (THANKS, JOE), Morton will be in attendance for a 35mm screening of his 1984 comedy classic Brother From Another Planet, in which “The Brother” (Morton) lands on Earth and gets an apartment in Harlem (screens Sat Feb 24). There’s a bunch of other must-see stuff too, including a showcase of shorts made by local Black filmmakers (Sun Feb 25); a screening of 1973’s The Spook Who Sat by the Door (Sat Feb 17); a tribute to filmmaker and photographer Elijah Hasan (Wed Feb 21); a screening of Charles Bradley: Soul of America (Thurs Feb 22), and more. Complete schedule at hollywoodtheatre.org. ERIK HENRIKSEN Hollywood Theatre.

PORTLAND INTERNATIONAL FILM FESTIVAL
See Film, this issue. Cinema 21, Cinemagic, Laurelhurst Theater, NW Film Center’s Whitsell Auditorium.

★PURPLE RAIN
As a movie, Purple Rain isn’t much, honestly—basically a series of melodramatic (and often misogynistic) vignettes about a pouty brat (Prince) acting like a sour piece of shit to everyone in a five-mile radius (The Revolution, Apollonia) as a coping mechanism for having an abusive father (Clarence Williams III). But as a document of Prince’s talents as a musician and a live performer, (and to a lesser extent, Morris Day’s charisma and the Time’s chops), Purple Rain is like an atomic bomb powered by funk-rock fusion, whose radioactive fallout changed pop culture forever. SQUAWK! Hallelujah. BOBBY ROBERTS Clinton Street Theater.

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The goofball wits of Mean Jeans have never shied away from product placements. The band’s carefully constructed wasteoid universe, which lives in the brilliantly silly zone between Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure and Rock ’n’ Roll High School, is a burnout paradise of Cheerios and Jäger and Kraft and Coors Light.

It should shock no one, then, that Portland’s pop-punk geniuses have just released a collection of original (and entirely unsolicited) jingles for some of their favorite brands. Did the world need songs dedicated to Skoal, Best Western, Applebee’s, and Selsun Blue? Not until Mean Jeans decided it did. As ridiculously catchy as it is conceptually sound, Jingles Collection continues the band’s undefeated streak. The Mercury spoke to singer/guitarist Billy Jeans about the perils and pleasures of shilling for wonderful junk.

PORTLAND MERCURY: I think I speak for everyone when I ask: Why?

BILLY JEANS: Every interview with a rock musician cites the Beatles as their earliest musical infatuation, but for us it was the early ’90s commercial jingles. So many good ones. Where do I begin? Creepy Crawlers. Crossfire. Juicy Fruit. Skip-It. Bagel Bites. Then of course there are the Ramones’ Steel Reserve jingles from ’95. My lifelong Ramones obsession has landed me at the definitive conclusion that the Steel Reserve jingles are the band at its greatest. So we’re following their lead.

I noticed drummer Jeans Wilder singing more on this album. Would you sayJingleshas given him a chance to step into the spotlight as a songwriter?

For sure. Jeans has always been a big part of Mean Jeans’ songwriting and singing, but when we realized jingles were our calling, he really started to flourish. The hooks, the brevity, the genre hopping—he’s got the jingles in him. He does a great Gavin Rossdale on our Selsun Blue jingle.

Are you worried kids will start smoking after hearing “Camel Lights”?

No. Camel Lights don’t even exist anymore, which we regrettably overlooked during the production of this record.

How many cases of Mountain Dew did you receive as payment for your Dew jingle?

Forty. And some sick T-shirts.

Did anyone in the band veto any brand endorsements while you were in the planning stages? Or were you all on the same page from the beginning?

A very perceptive question. Agreeing on product endorsements caused a few rifts within the band during the 24-hour production of this record. We wanted to do a jingle for a classic American restaurant that we all love. I’ll admit I was stuck on Sizzler, and Wilder was Applebee’s all the way. I argued that we’ve already endorsed Applebee’s in our song “2 Twisted 2 Luv U,” but the boys were able to calm me down. In the end we did both.

Hot Pockets already has a pretty famous jingle. Was it hard to write a second Hot Pockets jingle in the shadow of the revered original?

Jeans Wilder has been humming his Hot Pockets jingle for years. When or why he wrote it, I don’t know. But it’s on par with the original.

Mean Jeans is famous for its love of Jägermeister, and yet a Jägermeister jingle does not appear on this album. I’m wondering what happened.

We had a brief sponsorship from Jägermeister a couple years back. They hooked us up with a Jägermeister guitar—a great look, but abysmal tone—and some threads, but there were expectations of what the Jeans would do to reciprocate the endorsement. We failed to hold up our end of the deal, naturally. So in my mind that territory has been covered.

Okay, one quick hypothetical. You’re at the store. They’re out of Coors Light. What beer do you buy?

We have a song about this specific crisis. It’s called “Keystone Light.” So yeah, the answer is Keystone Light. I think it might literally be the exact same liquid as Coors Light.

What is the best dish at Applebee’s?

$1 Long Island Iced Tea. Unbelievable bargain.

It seems like the limitations of the jingle form allowed Mean Jeans to stretch out and experiment with different songwriting modes. It sounds to me like Mean Jeans can go anywhere from here. So what does the future hold?

Keep ’em guessin’.

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AFTER KELLY SWOBODA was killed by Portland police four years ago, news outlets across the country shared the lurid details of his van.

Swoboda, whom local cops confronted in March 2014 after reports that he was acting suspiciously around teenage girls, had outfitted his minivan with chains and ropes. The vehicle contained pornographic movies that emphasized the youth of their actresses. Cops found latex gloves and lubricant.

The New York Daily News—writing of Swoboda’s death in a gunfight with a Portland officer, and his earlier attempted kidnapping of a Milwaukie tanning salon employee—dubbed him a “van sicko.” The facts of the case make it hard to disagree.

But how those facts came to light is now a matter of some controversy—one that has ramifications for more recent officer-involved shootings.

In a report released last week, an independent auditor took the Multnomah County District Attorney’s Office to task for the way it presented the Swoboda case to the grand jurors who decided whether to charge the cop who killed him, Officer John Romero.

Since 2010, the California-based OIR Group has looked into how the Portland Police Bureau (PPB) handles police shootings. In its latest analysis, the organization extends that scrutiny, arguing prosecutors needlessly—and perhaps unethically—brought the disturbing details of the contents of Swoboda’s van before jurors, even though they had little bearing on the reason Romero shot Swoboda.

“The grand jury presentation should have focused on the overwhelming evidence that Officer Romero acted in self-defense when he used deadly force,” OIR’s report found. “Unfortunately, the grand jury proceeding was infected with evidence about Swoboda’s history, character, and presumed intent.”

The Multnomah County District Attorney’s office has disagreed, telling the Mercury (and OIR) that the information it presented to grand jurors “was highly relevant and admissible.”

The debate highlights the influence prosecutors hold when it comes to deciding whether a cop who shoots someone is charged. And it comes as the family of Quanice Hayes, the 17-year-old killed by Portland police in February 2017, has promised a lawsuit against the city, calling the grand jury inquiry into Hayes’ death a farce.

“You have a 17-year-old kid that’s killed by police,” the family’s attorney, Jesse Merrithew, told the Mercury last week. “The only process that’s happened is a grand jury proceeding that—if you look at the transcripts—it’s a joke.”

In Multnomah County, the facts of every officer-involved shooting go before a grand jury, regardless of whether the shooting appears potentially criminal. District Attorney Rod Underhill takes the extraordinary step of releasing the transcripts of grand jury proceedings into fatal police shootings. In most places, the hearings remain secret.

Because of this, Portlanders get rare insight into how prosecutors present cases to grand juries, which don’t receive input from judges or defense attorneys when deciding whether charges are warranted against a potential defendant. The process has often been scrutinized for the sway prosecutors have. As one well-known joke tells it, a prosecutor could convince grand jurors to “indict a ham sandwich."

“The prosecutor has an amazing amount of control over a grand jury,” says Greg Hurley, an analyst with the National Center for State Courts. “They can signal the grand jury in a lot of different ways in terms of the outcome they’re looking for.”

In the case of Swoboda’s death on March 12, 2014, the OIR report suggests prosecutors went above and beyond to ensure there wasn’t an indictment.

On the day of the incident, police were responding to a report of a man leering at teenage girls from his van near Wilson High School in Southwest Portland. Romero eventually came across Swoboda near a van that matched the report’s description, and ordered him to sit down. Swoboda complied, but then pulled out a gun and shot Romero in the hand and arm. Romero returned fire, killing the man.

Details that emerged after the shooting were chilling. Clackamas County authorities believed Swoboda had recently kidnapped a tanning salon employee near Milwaukie, pistol whipping her and binding her hands and feet with duct tape. The woman told authorities she escaped by jumping from Swoboda’s van as he drove.

Cops also found notes on Swoboda’s body suggesting he’d been following girls in multiple cities, writing down where and when he saw them, and rating them on attractiveness.

And then there was the van, with its chains and porn and latex gloves. It became a brief focal point for prosecutors in the grand jury process, transcripts show.

Chief Deputy District Attorney Don Rees, questioning a Clackamas County detective in the hearing, described the van as a “moveable dungeon or torture chamber.” He called forth details of what appeared to be smears of blood in the vehicle, and paved the way for a narrative in which Swoboda was intent on succeeding in his second attempt to abduct a woman.

“As an investigator,”Rees asked the detective, “looking at chains mounted to the floor, ropes, zip ties, teen pornography, padlock, what are you thinking when you see all of this?”

“I’m thinking exactly that one victim got away, and he wasn’t going to let the next one get away,” the detective, Mary Nunn, responded.

It’s possible Nunn was right. But the OIR Group report says the information still had no place in front of a grand jury, because Romero had no idea of Kelly’s history or the contents of his van when the shooting occurred.

“In the grand jury context, there is no judge to evaluate the probative values versus prejudice of evidence elicited by the prosecutor,” reads the report. “Prosecutors themselves serve as the only check with respect to what evidence is presented.”

The report calls prosecutors’ decision to introduce facts of the kidnapping, descriptions of the porn, and other details “extremely prejudicial and of no real additional probative value,” and suggests the evidence might not have been allowed if Romero were being tried in court.

“It was a clear case,” says Michael Gennaco, one of the report’s authors. “The officer got shot just before he returned fire. So what was the reason for bringing in this prejudicial evidence?”

“This isn’t about putting [Swoboda] on trial,” Gennaco adds. “He’s dead.”

Prosecutors stand by their decision. Brian Davidson, one of the attorneys who presented the case to grand jurors, argues that the detail of Swoboda’s earlier crime had bearing on the shooting.

“It’s perfectly reasonable that people can imagine that Mr. Swoboda would imagine police officers are out there looking for him in that van,” Davidson says, suggesting that could make Swoboda more likely to attack. “The reason that’s germane is to determine whether the officer’s use of force against Mr. Swoboda was justified or not.”

Davidson also argues the information would have been admitted by a judge in an open court setting.

The OIR report’s findings come at an interesting time. The family of 17-year-old Hayes is making very similar arguments.

Merrithew, the family’s attorney, says that prosecutors used a similar strategy in investigating Hayes’ February 9, 2017 death that they did with Swoboda—namely, that in presenting evidence before the grand jury, they included facts that the cop who shot Hayes, Andrew Hearst, didn’t know at the time of the shooting.

On the morning Hayes was killed, police and witnesses have said the teen used drugs and robbed a man using a fake gun, among other things. Cops responding to a call were aware that Hayes could be armed, but none testified to seeing a fake gun on him before Hearst shot him three times (a fake gun was found near his body).

“From a legal perspective, the issue of the reasonableness of Officer Hearst’s use of force depends entirely on what he knew at the time that he used force,” Merrithew argues. “The grand jury got to learn all sorts of things about Quanice that Officer Hearst did not know. The grand jury is being misled from the start about what Hearst knew and when he knew it.”

Prosecutors undoubtedly disagree, but in Hayes’ case there’s a chance a court will decide. The family plans to file suit against the City of Portland and Hearst in coming weeks.

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MAYOR TED WHEELER isn’t prone to second-guessing himself in public.

From the earliest days of his tenure—amid outraged protests over Trump’s presidency and frequent disruptive demonstrations at City Hall—to more recent decisions on how to address homelessness, Wheeler has tended to pick a course and stick with it.

Now there’s a glaring exception.

Last week, the mayor formally announced a decision that’s rankling some landlords. In an appearance before a volunteer advisory committee on Friday, February 9, Wheeler affirmed what his office told reporters earlier in the week: He’ll support doing away with a controversial loophole in Portland’s renter relocation policy.

The policy requires landlords to pay between $2,900 and $4,500 when they evict a tenant without cause, or if they force tenants to move following a rent increase of 10 percent or more. But since its inception in February 2017, the policy has exempted property owners who only rent a single unit—a provision aimed at protecting the interest of mom-and-pop types who might be especially reliant on rental incomes.

And until last week, that didn’t look like it was going to change. While Commissioner Chloe Eudaly and tenant advocacy groups had long argued against the single-unit exemption, Wheeler announced on January 19 that he’d oppose doing away with the exception when City Council makes the relocation fee policy permanent later this month.

In the January announcement, the mayor said he wanted more data on the rental market, and that he’d instructed the Portland Housing Bureau not to change that part of the policy when the law came back before council.

But hints of misgivings emerged almost immediately. The week after Wheeler made the announcement, whispers bubbled out of City Hall that he’d changed his mind, and would soon announce support for killing the exemption. Then there was word that he’d reversed course yet again, and now did want to keep it.

And now we’re here. On February 6, Wheeler’s deputy chief of staff, Michael Cox, called to say the mayor had a change of heart. Wheeler now plans to support killing the single-unit loophole—while allowing exemptions for property owners who rent ADUs or live in part of a duplex and rent out the other half.

“A couple weeks ago, he did say he was going to refrain from amending the one-unit exemption,” Cox told me. “He also said he had no philosophical objection and that he was going to continue listening to feedback.”

Exactly what feedback proved persuasive is unclear.

Tenant activists had railed against Wheeler’s position. Jo Ann Hardesty, the NAACP leader and former lawmaker running for city council, had chided Wheeler and other leaders for inaction. Commissioners’ offices had worked on a compromise.

Now, with his mind allegedly made up, Wheeler can expect to face plenty more feedback. The Portland Tribunereported last week that the mayor’s reversal had already inspired one landlord representative to resign from a city board.

More fallout is sure to follow—small landlords have never been shy in their hatred of this law. And then we’ll find out if Wheeler’s decision is final, after all.

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RE: “One Day at a Time,” Ann Romano’s weekly roundup of news and gossip.

Dear Ann Romano,

I’m a new reader of the Mercury, and now, because of your column, a permanent reader. You are an absolutely fantastic writer. Your column is highly entertaining, highly informative, laugh-out-loud funny, and socially conscious. That is a rare combo, and your writing is the thing I most look forward to every week when I pick up the Mercury. Keep up the great work! I look forward to buying your book when it comes out. :-)

Kal

ANN ROMANO RESPONDS!Thanks so much for your kind words, Kal! I am married.

RE: The Mercury’s Film section, where we recently published reviews of TV shows like HBO’sMosaicandHere and Now,along with a guide to the best of winter television.

Dudes, the one element of this paper I still consistently enjoy, the film reviews, are being whittled down to nothing. In the past I could count on at least four solid reviews, but recently the section is shrinking. Some weeks there’s only one review and it isn’t even of a film! Please beef up this section again.

Don’t make me go online!

P.S. Bring back the celebrity gossip in One Day at a Time, while you’re at it! Politics are well and good, but we need some relief too.

FILM EDITOR ERIK HENRIKSEN RESPONDS!Following the year-end dump of Oscar bait, the early part of the year is always pretty awful for film releases. Things are starting to pick up—but we’d also be remiss not to cover TV, considering that’s where many of the most interesting filmmakers (TV-makers?) are currently working. In this week’s Film section (pg. 41), we have a review of Black Panther, a preview of the Portland International Film Festival, and a piece about the web series Gabby Antonio Smashes the Imperialist, White Supremacist, Capitalist Patriarchy. (That web series is made in Portland, in case the title didn’t immediately tip you off.)

ANN ROMANO RESPONDS!Thanks so much for your input, sweetie. I am married.

RE: “I Anonymous” [Feb 7], in which Anonymous defended her use of a Chihuahua as a service animal—and called out a bystander who criticized the dog for being “the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever seen” and accused Anonymous of having “probably ordered that vest online.”

Not condoning this person’s behavior, because they sound like an asshole, but the problem is that there ARE a lot of people out there with fake service dogs. They are spoiling it for you and others who truly need service dogs, because they make the rest of us suspect whether any service dog is truly a service dog. The people with fake service dogs think they’re special and that their behavior is okay. It’s not.

gofigure

RE: “The Scorpion: How the Feds Found One of the Web’s Most Prominent Illicit Diet Pill Dealers in Oregon” [Feature, Feb 7], Doug Brown’s story about the DEA and FDA’s investigations of Jonathan McGraw, AKA “ScorpionDNP,” an Oregon man who sold DNP—a pesticide used as a diet pill—via Reddit and Discord. “The Food and Drug Administration has banned DNP for human consumption since the 1930s, due to numerous deaths,” wrote Brown.

I realize DNP is not legal, but it’s a shame because people will always seek out substances like DNP. With Scorp, you knew what you were getting was quality and safe. Now, without a major supplier, you could be buying anything.

elbeez

Undisputed fact: Nobody loves “love” like the Mercury! That’s why every year, we print romantic love notes from YOU to your sweetie in our annual Mercury Reader Valentines issue. Did YOU get one this year? Did your pet? Did Donald Trump? (yes, see the very first one.) There’s only one way to find out! Read the following valentines (assorted alphabetically for your convenience), and be sure to check this link if you don’t see yours—because we have even more of ‘em there! HAPPY VALENTINE’S, MERCURY READERS! As always, you are our one true love.

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♥ #45 Tho our secret love is threatened by many an investigation, it is as eternal as your penchant for lies. I want to ride you bareback and shirtless.

♥ 213531 You make me brave, take my troubles away. How are we here? Vibrant energies entangled, 2 stars melted to 1. My halo, angel, key, adventure soulmate.

♥ ; You’re an amazing and beautiful woman. Thank you for your encouragement and support. You make me a better person. I love you. Yours. Always.

♥ A I Love us. Love, A. XxOo B, too {slurp}

♥ A BEAR Oh hello, I love you! Let’s jam each other’s rocky buttes!

♥ A VERY HANGRY MAN if you’re reading this / then its too late / let’s smoke weed and eat burritos. xoxo your gangsta drinky crow

♥ A-DAWG AND FEEFEE I look forward to a new year in a new country with a new cat with you guys. You two are my everything, even if your butts stink. Love, Kimbo

♥ A-MAZE-ING GIRAFFE I want to draw you out, trace the lines to your heart, get to know you. Maybe that’s a lot to ask. Still. I will ask when we meet again. ~CRC

♥ AARON, You are the gravy to my potatoes, the frosting to my cupcake, the chicken to my enchilada. You are the love of my life. Happy V Day to my hot Husband!

♥ ABE Breakfast in bed, middle of the night dog outings, and that hot bod?!?! Sign me up 4 lyfe. Xoxo

♥ ABRA CAADAVER Happy V-Day to a wonderfully beautiful smart and ambitious young lady! You will forever be in my heart LOVE YOU LOTS! XOXO

♥ ACDC It’s Valentime’s Day and you are SO GOOD! FULL BARS!!!! oxo adc

♥ ADA CABOT The world is terrible, but I am thrilled to be able to navigate the criminal justice system with you /dunt dunt/

♥ ADAM I’ll let you take me to Home Depot for Vday, but only if we look at Excel spreadsheets when we get home. You rock my world you handsome [silly] beast

♥ ADAM Roses are red, you’re super awesome, glad we’re together to share adventures in the macrocosm xoxo

♥ ADAM BEAR So incredibly grateful for the galactic forces that brought our souls together, my determinist. You’ll forever have my heart & be my AHA rep. <3, AB.

♥ ADAM KRUSE Happy Valentine’s Day to my sweetheart! I am so lucky to have you in my life.

♥ ADB To love and be loved by you is like finding home. You light the fires of my heart, bring peace to my mind and inspire my passions. I love you!

♥ ADR We could stand to be naked together a lot more. I love you. More than Mega Mint. SJW

♥ AIDEN You make my life sooooooooo much better! I love you. We should 69 and then get some bbw.

♥ AINOLLOPA I LOVE YOU I wish you could of taken the day off but let’s enjoy this morning. I fucking love the shit out of you Toots! You’re my favorite! You’re my everything

♥ AKI You are so smart, beautiful, and awesome. I am so lucky to be with you. I love you.

♥ AKON LANGGA <3 What a gift is, to look at some and say, I’m so happy to have found you, at last at long, at long last... you’re here. We’re here. I love you forever

♥ AKU’S SHINY SHOES Time DOES last and my contemplation surpassed all that I thought you would be to me. I continue to strive for more within me & by your side-Driftwood

♥ ALAN How do we top getting married and going to Hawaii? Let’s stay married and go to..................................

♥ ALAN Love you to the moon and beyond!!!

♥ ALENA I love you my darling, and I am so happy that we’re going to be parents soon. I love you to the moon and back.

♥ ALEX 7 years and we still find new adventures & things that make us happy. Here’s to many more! Love you so much baby and I’m so excited about the future.

♥ ALEX Here’s to you my single buddy! You’re great. Don’t forget that. Our time will come. For now, we will have fun. ;) <3 Kendar Where’s the chocolate?

♥ ALEX To my beebs, my love for you has grown over the last six years, thank you for being such an incredible partner, best friend, & lover.

♥ ALEX Whilst love won’t make you wealthy and rich, I am hoping that ours won’t make you itch, especially tonight when we need some great play from Nurkic

♥ ALEX Your mural work has been inspiring. I love how you are capturing the heart of the Eastside. M & I like your weird stuff too. So don’t ever stop. <3

♥ ALEXA You know what’s cooler than being cool? You.

♥ ALEXANDRA You are my churro legged beauty. The salsa to my taco. The corn to my tortilla. You are the pinto to my bean. I love you. Lets get tacos? Tom

♥ *ALI* Roses are rainbow Kactus is black Thanks for being a sexy, silly, tender babe And always having my back. (pssst, your venus in cancer is showing.)

♥ ALI BEAR You are the bomb that makes my heart explode with joy!

♥ ALISA Love of my life and sugar in my coffee. You’re the sweetest there is. Happy Valentine’s Day!

♥ ALISHA Three nights of magic Like flowers found in the wild I want to plant more

♥ ALISON I’m so glad I matched with you on Tinder

♥ ALIX Love my babygirl Alix my freckled wonder Be mine forever

♥ ALLEGS you my super special sweetie unlike no other whom ive ever been with. lets keep doing everything fun together all the time

♥ ALLIE every since I met you, you became my all time favor miller time!! U my champagne of hearts and I don’t mine getting drunk on that!! on the run 4eves.

♥ ALYOSHA Honest, Handsome, Halcyon to my hungry, horny, and ornery. Holy shit we’re having a baby. Here’s to happiness and harmony. I love you.

♥ ALYSIA I’m so glad you’re mine, sexy smartypants. - Clarence

♥ AMACY I like to be alone. But I’d rather be alone (and naked) with you.

♥ AMANDA I Love You More Than There Are Stars In The Universe

♥ AMANDA MY LOVE Thank you for always being the most beautiful person in my life. You’re humble, generous and loving to everyone around you. Love, Your Macaroni Knee

♥ AMBER welcome to sexy sesame street. me, you, and Big Bird livin’ it up. where squirrels feed on leftover love-bits, and I dream of your kiss til I wake.

♥ AMBER “THUGGALETTE” I love you more than I could ever explain. You are the best mother our children could ask for and you are my HERO. 8 years strong.. will you be mine?

♥ AMBOY We’ve visited mountains and beaches, attended weddings and rallies, endured illness and airports. You’re incredible; I’m so glad we share a birthday.

♥ AMY [Otis Redding lyrics]

♥ AMY THIEL Some people forget that love is tucking you in and kissing you “Good night” no matter how young or old you are Love is You and me

♥ AMZ You are very important to me and always will be! You deserve a friendly handshake :) love you, b.

♥ ANAYA I have been so blessed to share my life with you. I cant wait to see whats ahead, because no future with you in it is not worth looking forward to.

♥ ANDREW 4500 miles, 3 weddings, 2 traumatized pugs and 1 wife who loves you. We did it! Let’s get through another amazing year. I love you pumpkin butt!!

♥ ANDREW DIAF. I love you. Never stop being squishy.

♥ ANDREW Weaver of Lore, love of my life. Thank you for our beautiful boys. Thank you for sharing dreams and magic. Thank you for always doing the dishes.

♥ ANDREW C. I would be lost in this world without you. You bring grounding to my feet and repair to my soul. Thank you for intertwining your life with mine. I♥U

♥ ANDY I love you :) Your love saved me! Our home has grown and so have I because of your love and we have become one thank you for helping me heal, one love

♥ ANDY ROSES ARE RED SQUASH IS YELLOW MY OH MY YOU’RE A WONDERFUL FELLOW

♥ ANGELA A is for Amazing. A is for Angela. You are BOTH. You’re a song on my radio. Your voice is a song in my ear & my heart. Your smile makes me so happy.

♥ ANNA I love you so much I’d take a pickle back shot for you, which is the same as taking a bullet. Vals and sushi tonight?

♥ ANNABANANA My love, living with you this past year has been so much fun!! I wanted to wish you a very Happy Valentines Day from the bottom of my heart! <3

♥ ANNAGRAM I could die a thousand deaths and it’d all be worth it to have spent just one day in love with you. -R

♥ ANTENETTA MARIE With no one else could I imagine growing old wrinkled and fat with. I could not go through life without you now that you are mine. I love you always!!

♥ ANTRONIUS Oh I love thee, let me count the ways: Pai Days in Bed, Enduring the Banuk & all 2017, Hugs @ Hug Point, & everything squished in between. I love you.

♥ ANYUSHKA Every day I feel your token against my skin, I smile inwardly but not so secretly. Being encompassed by & bound to you is a thrill that never gets old

♥ ARR I don’t know if I told you this but, I kinda like you, like alot. Love, Mayy

♥ ASHA MY SWEETS Feeling your love, like each breath, fill me; moving me. Knowing your love, a lifetime I will cherish, inspires me every moment. I love you!

♥ ASHLEIGH MY FROG You hopped into my world and firmly planted yourself on my tree. I love you more than ever. Happy Valentines Day! Ribbet.

♥ ASHY LOVE You smell like toots And the face of an angel I just love the heck out of you

♥ ASLAN You are a little Angel from Heaven and I promise to love your forever and ever ! ConCon

♥ ASPEN my Sympatico Soulmate! I am never going to do all the life things without you. well except for sometimes sleeping, because, ya know, that’s important.

♥ AVAGADRO You dark beauty haunts my mind, as do Beauford, Beauregard, and Lenore’s sweet behind

♥ AVIATOR BOB Up in the air, down in the sea, deserts will bloom, my love for thee. New paths ablaze, joining as one, the light of our love, emulates the sun.

♥ :: B :: My Love..my sweets..I love you with all of my heart! I can’t imagine my life without you in it..so let’s drink wine and watch basketball.Go Blazers! K

♥ B Thanks for all your kindness and patience. You make me very happy. See you at the Somedays Inn, xoxo

♥ B You. Are. So. Beau-ti-fullll. To meeee-eeeeeeeeeee. Can’t you seeeeeeeeeee. <3 Mo

♥ B-A-B-Y Baby, Oh Baby I Love to Call You Baby Baby, ooh my Baby I Love for You to Call Me Baby.

♥ B-U-T-T Hey...nice butt. -PBA.

♥ BA I can’t believe we have such a cozy home, silly traditions, and now a ridic dog together! So grateful for you and our little life. C U @ PF Changs

♥ BABEFIELD I didn’t quite believe that I would ever find a human like you, but I feel endlessly lucky that I have. I love you my cutie sax player kayak fisher <3

♥ BABER We’ve been through a lot. I hope we get to go through a lot more. You are my best friend. Love you the most.

♥ BABY DADDY, You’re my absolute favorite! All the BJs and the world could not express this enough! I love you and your plump ass.

♥ BABYCAKES You really melt my butter with syrupy sweet sugar lips. Let me make your breakfast salty and greezy.

♥ BABYLOVE Thank u for always being such a wonderful, loving, & supportive partner! I’m so glad I married 15 yr ago! I will ALWAYS b here 4 u. POR VIDA! Mi Amor!

♥ BABYSIZE I loves you all of the loves. Here’s to many more years of adult seating at Edgefield. Maybe someday we’ll actually stay there

♥ BADAM If I had to choose between Fast Freddie Biscuits and you, you’d win. Don’t tell Freddie. I love you, and your rage rants. More, please!

♥ BAE KRAB Know that I love you enough to process my love to you on this public form. With all my love and many more Valentine’s Days to cum... Your sweet shrimp

♥ BAGELCRACK 15 years ago you saw me wearing eyeliner and a beautiful AIM relationship blossomed. Eternally grateful it manifested IRL. Kisses. -Shiznitobang8801

♥ BAKER69 In this crazy world you are my companion, loving, loyal, patient, smart. I love your protective wings above me, coaxing gentle breath and secret sigh.

♥ BALDY Thank you for all the little & big ways you work hard to keep our family fed, housed & happy. Only love makes sense these days. I love you! xo-Chubbs

♥ BANANA PANCAKES You said, “We’re not perfect but we’re perfect for each other”, after I lost my mind for a day. That is some sexy shit. Crosswords in bed for life!

♥ BANGS You fill my heart. Thank you for your love, care and the best tacos I have ever eaten. I have a million kisses for you and the bubbies. Much love.

♥ BASIL You’ll always be my g.o.a.t.

♥ BBBWW Bubba...you’re the fries to my potato, the secret to my sauce. The best-est, my favorite-est. I love you.

♥ BBEAR You are the Bunny of my eye. Thanks for being such a beautiful person and wonderful companion!

♥ BBYDLL Here’s to another 20!

♥ BBYDLL long as there are stars above you/you never need to doubt it/I’ll make you so sure about it. Thanks for 20 yrs of love + family. U girls are my life.

♥ BEAR Tightest queen I worship yr perfect pussy & asshole. I yearn for u to caress my soft meats & whisper sweet murder into my ear. Luv <3 Yours 4eva Wolf

♥ BEARDY BIRLDS I LOVE YOU SO MUCH <3 Fit Foosh and Foot Fish, let’s take Huggaboo Transportation 2 Feet Feet’s Pallet Palace 4 pancakes! Giant gold coin love, H&$ A+

♥ BEARMOOSE HOLY SHIT I LOVE YOU! HOLY SHIT WE’RE MARRIED!! Thanks for being the best person alive and having a cute butt. You are my forever person <3 xoxo Kass

♥ BEAVERS we love you ttttttthhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiissssssssddddd much!!! Johnny & Meepers

♥ BEAVERTON BLACK CATS Keep the crunchies flowing and I’ll keep letting you pet me -Abs

♥ BECCA After 10 years and two kids and three cats I still adore you as much as ever. Happy Valentine’s Day you sexy thing!

♥ BECCA Wishing you the sweetest of loves. -Your troublesome and cute boys.

♥ BECCA AKA BUSSEY My spoon-stealing, beautiful, loving, inspiring, #1 bad ass with a hot ass partner <3 I want to spend forever farting on you and grabbing that boot!

♥ BECKY I love you with all my heart

♥ BECKY Life with you has been really great. I love you! P.S. I ate all the chocolate while you were out.

♥ BECKY You BLOW my mind! http://youtube.com/watch? v=pSnJ5MV5T84. Try not to be a Blow Hard and Blow our relationship up. Happy Valentines Day XOX Ken

♥ BEEBO You are my favorite bubble tooth. I adore the life we have created together and can’t believe I get to marry you THIS YEAR. My Love You

♥ BEGRIMED BBY Overcome by your odiferous orifices Ignited into incendiary infatuation Fettered to your fetid frame Blankets blissfully billow Eternally engulfed

♥ BELA Who would have thought we’d find true love at Slims? I think we will always find eachother and walk and talk in gardens all misty wet with rain, xoxoo

♥ BEN HARRISON!

♥ BEN MY BUMPKIN 1 year next month, and our first v-day! I love you, you cookie loving, british man of mine! let’s feed eachother chocolate forever, especially today!

♥ BEST ANGEL You are everything!

♥ BETH LENORE Let’s explore and save and grow and love ever more fervently. During this year, our 10th, and years beyond. Let’s not get married! It’ll be romantic!

♥ BETH, DIGGIN’ ON YOU You’ll always be a part of me. Cause I’m dangerously in love with you. I like the way you work it. And all my life I’ve prayed for someone like you.

♥ BETHUPUNCTURE You have stabbed me with your needles of love and soothed me with your balms and herbs from the Orient. I love you and I love our family. POUNCE!

♥ BEVYN smart, funny, sweet, sexy, brave -- you are gorgeous personified. quite simply, thank you for sharing your one wild and precious life with O and me.

♥ BEX I left my heart in Corvallis.

♥ BIG D Twinning is winning except when it’s the flu. We’ll rock our matching flannels and gray tuxedos in our nest all winter. Love you the most. Squirrel

♥ BIG DADDY Thank you for coming into my life. Looking forward to our future. I love you! -BabyGirl

♥ BIG DADDY CHRIS Wanted to wish my wonderful man of 20 years and the father of our 3 beautiful girls, a Happy Valentines Day! I love you always and forever!

♥ BIG DADDY J Happy 5 years my luv & Happy Valentines Day! There’s been crazy tweekers, transients and stray cats..we’ve seen it all! No one I’d rather do IT with.

♥ BIG DAWG YAM HEART There’s no one else in the world I would rather have invade my single lady lair over 2 years ago... Make me honey pies 4ever. Luv, ur lil javelina

♥ BIG DILL You can’t make pickles without spilling some brine. Luckily your brine is delicious. Love, PJ

♥ BINKY Once upon a time there was Milwaukee, then Kirby, then the Package, then Morning Light. I love them all! -- Your secret admirer from Mars Platform 5

♥ BIO I luh you gurl. - STAT

♥ BIRAJ Will you be my pumpkin?

♥ BIRD Thank you for the years of love and support. With love birdie.

♥ BIRDIE & LITTLE BIRDIE So grateful to have you two. Our hatchling is a real bird of a feather, and you’re quite the fine flapper. Glad we took wing and feathered a new nest.

♥ BISCUIT Thanks for sticking with me all these years. It’s been a great ride with you through it all and I wouldn’t give it away for anything. I love you.

♥ BJS I love you through the frustration. I wish you the very best. I know that everything you need is coming to you. Keep it level and you got this! xoxo

♥ BLAKE B Baby, even though we will be celebrating in two different countries on two different continents. My love crosses the ocean. Happy Valentines Day Baby.

♥ BLAKE’ To the handsome scumbag who made me not hate jazz, sushi, & 1 kung fu film:I can’t wait to come home to you. But I’m not gonna spread for no roses.

♥ BLUE You’re a lot. And I love it all. XOXO, Fern

♥ BOAR’S HEAD BRUCE You can run, but those short stout legs of yours won’t carry you far. Or fast enough. I’m HOT on your trail.

♥ BOCTOK-ZAPAD For a fragmented community with dozens of separate circles and cliques, you were the binding force, bringing and keeping everyone together. I’member!

♥ BONDOOGLESHMOOGLEBON What a year this will be with a shmooglebon in the oven and it’s already cute as a button! I sho do love n cherish you sweetest of sweethearts.Lubloo

♥ BOO I know I can be a dimmy sometimes, but I love you more than words can express & I’m so happy to have you in my life. You’re the Lorelai to my Luke. <3

♥ BOO BEAR I am so blessed to have you in my life! You are my superhero, my rock, my muse, my inspiration, and my best friend. Here is to many more my love!

♥ BOO BEAR I love you & you’ll always be handsome enough for me! Xoxo, your lil bunny

♥ BOO BOO KITTY FUCK Even though we are living in the mountains, I want to keep our Mercury Valentine’s Tradition. Team Marotto Forever. I fucking love you Otto, Pickle

♥ BOO X 2 Oh, what a journey we’vehad! From the early days in the Volvo, to now driving into our adult lives - you are so loving and awesome! I LUV U BOO x 2!!

♥ BOOBERRY BISCUITS Let’s lift our love on high, along with these matching burritos, and sing glorious songs about our fat kitty. I love you more and more everyday.

♥ BOOBOO There is no way that I can tell you how much I luv u in 150 words, but, here it goes. You are amazing, you are my best friend, life sux w/o u. I luv u

♥ BOOFRIEND You are the cutest thing in the mornings, I can’t handle it. I love that we can be spooky together. I love you boo.

♥ BOOGER Doot doot 4 ever! Love, Bug

♥ BOOMER RADISH “30s, poetic bent, fit, funny mate 2 adore & share thrills with” seeking me in LA Weekly, 1994. Thanks for 24 years of full moons & best kid ever

♥ BOOMTOWN BOOMERS FOR LYFE!!!! DMRGN <3

♥ BOOPIE Look to your right or left and you’ll see me with a big, dumb grin on my face looking at the love of my life. Love you, Fiancée.

♥ BOOTIE you’re my assolute favorite.

♥ BOPPY You are the purrrfect human. Thank you for the scratchies, feeding me when mom sleeps in, hiding me under the blanket from scary things...love, LuckyB

♥ BOSKOE 17-31707-1

♥ BOYFRIENDA I love you more each year. You make my medulla oblongata. xoxo, your Boyfrienda

♥ BOY MAYOR OF SECOND LIFE i love you my gay life partner cant believe we’ve been married for 7 years see u soon <3

♥ BOZO You give me a reason every day to love you more and more! Thank you for being here for us always full of laughs. Oh and your cock it’s exceptional.

♥ BRAINS Me and Sampson think you’re swell <3

♥ BRANDON I’m so happy to have shared these past six years together. Can’t wait to see what this year holds for us. I love you to the moon and back.

♥ BRANDON Love you handsome... Spend 4eva with your feisty Latina. I promise nothing but wild nights and amazing food. Love you Daddy #hesgettinglucky #stud

♥ BRENDEN You are the most beautiful boy on this planet and I love you so much. Thank you for our life together.

♥ BRENTON BAE I love making the insane work! And there is no one I’d rather be crazy with. You make me a better person. Till death do we part. 10,000 miles of <3.

♥ BRET On our 5th V day, I just have one question? Still up for awkward?

♥ BRETT LOVE, We are evolving in trust! Trust in self, trust in source, trust in us. I am so grateful to be on this journey with you. I say YES to life with you!

♥ BRI B. I adore you like Ryan loves chokers. This week is already so annoying. Drink w me soon. xh

♥ BRIAN, I am so happy to call you mi amorcito! You bring so much laughter and joy to my life (and not just because of the tickling). <3-Missy

♥ BRIANNE 16 years ago we dressed in black and platonically got together to protest our shared hatred of Valentine’s Day. I’m so glad we ended up making out.

♥ BRITT Thank you for being such a superlative and sexy wife. I love our life at Circus Maximus.

♥ BRODY You are my favorite person :) Thank you for always being down for a good time. Here’s to more good times and adventures together :) Xoxoxx

♥ BROOKE I love you more than anything or anyone. You are the most brilliant beautiful woman the world has ever known.

♥ BRUSSELS SPROUTS MAN permanent, silent screams of remorse, guilt, shame, sorrow, love. i’m eternally sorry. wishing you unending joy and happiness.

♥ BRY Thank you for loving me, even though my bigote is Cameron Diaz. I love you more than words can express. xoxo Palin

♥ BRYN Happy Valentines Day! We hope your day is wonderful ‘ We love you! Daddy, Aunt Carole, Aunt Terri

♥ BSERIDOO, In these final years before the fall, all I need is the air that I breathe, and to love you. Oh & a tiny stinkyfaced wiener & two fatbutt cats ))((

♥ BUBBA Looking forward to our next adventure-If I’m falling asleep with you by my side, it will be okay. Thanks for making me laugh. PS I love your dick.

♥ BUBBALOO Thk u for loving me when we both still tasted of heartbreak. Drunk tear-soaked greasy mean; you see it all & make me love it 2. Always until we don’t.

♥ BUDDY Happy Valentine’s Day foxy boss babe. Excited for our adventures to come... Kiss kiss, Poppy.

♥ BUG Each day, I’m happier that you didn’t hit my head with a rock. I love you with all my heart. Next clue: When you sneeze, we plug this in. Love, Booger

♥ BUH-TEA I love that you are my valentine. You are the best dad and baby Ting and I love you!

♥ BUKIBOO Looking forward to the next 10 years. Thank you for tolerating my ridiculously big record collection. Love, Derek!

♥ BUNDLER Thank you for morning kisses, Hen sandwiches, and most of all for giving me our beautiful boy. Love you.

♥ BUNNY Happy Valentine’s Day! I love you more than the 150 character limit can ever know! You are amazing & brilliant! I cannot wait to see you- Love Moe

♥ BUNNY I love you more with every passing year. I can’t imagine my life without you. I’ll always be your Bunny Bear.

♥ BURRITO You are definitely my person. I love our life together. I love being a parent with you. Thank you for caring for me so well. I love you.

♥ BUZCH I love you, favorite. I hope I am half as good to you as you are to me. Except for the part when sometimes you don’t have gum. What’s up with that?

♥ BV ‘I love you as certain dark things are to be loved, in secret, between the shadow and the soul.’ Neruda I miss the way we are together.

♥ CAITLIN you’re my favorite & i love you so. sorry i have to work 2nite. let’s get drunk and make out when i get home! be mine always? pretty please! <3 Kerry

♥ CAITLIN! You are a cosmic BADASS! You are capable of anything and everything! The sun rises for you,and lights the moon for you! You are one with the universe!

♥ CALVIN I love you so much, booger. Thank you for everything, the highs and the lows. One year down and I can’t wait to see what our future holds. -Rachael

♥ CAMCAKES I love you so much ol macaroni knee! Thank you for being my best friend, biggest supporter, and my all around favorite person ever. You da best. LUFFS

♥ CAMILLE Ultimately, without further ado, I have never experienced a love so fond, so constant, so imaginative, so limitless, and so pure. Also, I am funny!

♥ CAMMY UR my ichi-ban Thanks for so many years of sweet Lub

♥ CAMMY We’ve been through so much together and our love continues to grow! Here’s to another year together I love you!

♥ CANOE time dissolves into water along your sides Seas into eternities Discoveries with our lips finding moments into new moments

♥ CARGO BIKE COURIERS A sweet midweek moment is the Merc trike arriving with the most prepossessing pedalers in town. Friday has been overthrown. Thank god it’s Wednesday!

♥ CARLA ROSSI your white face makes all of the kids go boo, but know I’ll still love you even after princess’ coup. FEED ME TUNA!

♥ CARLEE You are the love of my life. Everything good in my life is because of You. Happy Valentines Day P.S. Stop taking up all the space on the bed;) -DH

♥ CARLOS Tonto!! Te amo con todo mi corazón <3 Your best friend & lover, Sofie

♥ CAROLYN SUE Your love gushes forth like a fountain. Let’s get a beach house at the beach and discuss the historical history of the SPEDS.

♥ CARTOPIA Your faces are red, the honey buckets are blue, You’re all screwed, but I still love you. Happy Valentine’s Day to you!

♥ CASE12 U tha king. Thank you for being my friend. We’ve come a long way! Since love sucks, here’s a lil valentine for you. Love you Kee! Yonki 2! <3 -GrafHoe

♥ CASSANDRA You are beautiful! You are strong and independent and unique. You’re my idol and I love you. Live in the light and BREATHE!

♥ CASSIE MAY You drive me nuts but there’s nobody else on earth I’d rather have annoying me. I love you like a fat kid loves cake. Happy Valentine’s Day, Love Ad

♥ CATDAD1000000 You have grown into such an incredible husband & father this year! I’m forever thankful for your love, devotion, silliness & smarts. THE BEST. AROUND!

♥ CAY You are a dream of a human being and I love you! Wishing you a fluff-filled, cozy, and sweet AF Valentine’s Day. With Love, B

♥ CAZMISTER Poetry does not expire. Poetry smiles in your direction. Poetry speed the poet. Poetry doubt for want of meaning. Poetry and again.

♥ CBS Our road trips are always a blast, even long long ago when we were CrAzY in love. I’ll cruise with you anywhere, any time. I LOVE YOU! I really do.

♥ CD I hope you have another amazing Valentines, Little Miss Magic :)

♥ CD My beloved, you are the lover of my impossible soul.

♥ CECILIA If you like pina coladas, or getting caught in the rain. Baby, I love you and I am thrilled that you are in my life. My love for you will last forever

♥ CENTER OF MY BEING.. You drive me crazy

♥ CGF4 I’m all in for ya!! Let’s keeping doing this for a long, loooong time! U Boi -LEZ1

♥ CHAR sun in pisces, scorpio rising deep in the deep end, keep me revising old stories—u gave a sweet new start 2 ur cancer babe’s venus in gemini heart

♥ CHARLIE You’re pretty cute You’re pretty tough I’m stuck on you Yeah, I know I’m stuck

♥ CHARLIE FROM NOPO The Phil Lesh Show wouldn’t have been as sweet without you... Happy Valentine’s Day!! See you at Sean Hayes??? Nina

♥ CHEF RAY Your kitchen is too hot, baby. Ray & Deb Show Forever! I love ya. Happy VD xox

♥ CHERU-CHAN I’ll never forget you. FOD

♥ CHESTNUT I love you more than all the fishies in the ocean and the birdies in the sky. Giddy up! Cinnamon

♥ CHEWBACCABONHAM my tears are salty, so is your jizz. lets take another trip around the sun together. TrashPanda

♥ CHIBIMIKE To our 15th Valentine’s Day. You are my strength, my heart, my soul. You make all things possible and I love you with all of me! lunumu

♥ CHICKEN HEAD Remember that time we almost got eaten by a mountain lion? That was so totally worth it! I’ve loved you even more every day since. Love, Green Heart

♥ CHICKEN QINGERS “This is how you remind me of what I really am.” - Nickelback

♥ CHICKY FRANCES <3 I know I’m the luckiest duck to have you in my life. You make me want to feather our nest with hard work, trust, and very comfortable bedding. Love U!

♥ CHLOE I might be one of the luckiest people in the world, thank you Universe. It has truly been magical! Looking forward to many more adventures with you!

♥ CHOWDA To the hard working smart handsome honest & loyal man that I feel consistently lucky to be with I love you SO much..and dat ass your lil troublemaker

♥ CHRIS Happy Valentine’s Day BABY! I love you soooo much

♥ CHRIS MEWMEW I’m so thankful to have a funny compassionate BFF love to share my life with. Cant wait to see what adventures and crazy shit we get into this year XO

♥ CHRIS S. What a dream. With your big heart, beautiful smile, & gorgeous looks you are a catch in our eyes everyday. We love you so much

♥ CHRISTIAN Let’s. Let’s stay together. Wether times are good or bad or happy or sad.

♥ CHRISTOPHER Smell you later.

♥ CHRISTOPHER COOK Roses are red Violets are blue I suck at poems, but I’m super into you Call me maybe...?

♥ CHRISTOPHER DEAR Year together and far apart, ups and downs. I don’t know where it will go but I hope you are always my friend.

♥ CLAIRE I love you almost as much as Superman loves Lois Lane. Eric

♥ CLINTON, You are my hottest love, favorite dance partner, and best friend. Can’t wait to discover more birds more places, and things we love to do together!

♥ CODY SEAN You have been my valentine for the last 2 years. I LOVE YOU!

♥ COLE I’m so excited to be growing this baby together! She’s going to love life and we’ll have so many adventures. Love you! Happy Valentine’s Day! Love, WC

♥ COLIN I love you. Our twentieth (!!!) valentines together. It just gets better, baby. Here’s to twenty and then twenty more. Xoxo

♥ COLTON Roses are red, violets are blue, do you know de way, to Uganda my boo? Lubs u sexy thang!

♥ COMPOUND CREW Y’all are the peanut butter to my jelly, my best friends, the thing that keeps me sane. I love you.

♥ CONNOR My life changed the day I met you@ the public fish market. Who knew my great love would begin w/ fresh seafood and a guy who took a chance? U amaze me

♥ COOKIE BUNNY Day slips into night, nights into weeks but when I’m with you seconds melt into lifetimes and I cherish every second we spend together. Love you Bunny

♥ CORBIN https://www.youtube.com/watch? v=P_Fx1yq3A8M . 1:52-2:12. I love you.

♥ COREY I almost put a note in the Mercury, for I Saw You 13 years ago, now I know you. I love you.

♥ COREY I really, really, really, really, really, really like you. Lookin’ forward to the adventures, memories, and art that we’re gonna create together!

♥ CORINNE You made me a criminal, because I “felon” love with you. Thanks for being so awesome all the time, Love Ryan and Groucho

♥ COUNTRY TEST KITCHEN To my wonderful giiiirrrrrlllleyyy! Soon be time to pack up and move yet again....maybe to Hooglie Vooglie? Or do you wanna go for a walk?

♥ COURT Happy V-Day to a best friend I love almost as much as happy hour. Drinks soon! <3

♥ COWBOY i can’t wait to wake up next to you again soon.

♥ CRAIG New things to mock and less thingsss. 2018: Storm King summit and Bella dinner. Also, marriage. Ps, one in, one out! It’s printed, now it’s real.

♥ CRAIG You are beauty, light and poetry. I won’t be reckless with your heart. Come with me, please? You know what it is to resonate with my soul. Trust that.

♥ CRAIG (MR. BUNNY) You bring love to me and richness to my life. I look forward to continuing our adventure together. I’m so happy we caught each others’ eye. Larry

♥ CREECENUGGIE Cheers to us for making one hellova human! If he grows to be anything like you, I’ll be one proud & happy lady. Love you to bits guapo!

♥ CUDDLE BUG Waking up next to you is the greatest blessing. You give me purpose and I’d do anything for u. Including anal. Here’s to many more travels and kisses.

♥ CUPCAKE I love you, Bundles! Every year gets better and better!

♥ CUPCAKE LL COOLS DAY LOVES YOU FOREVER! You’re the cup of the cake and don’t you forget it! XOXO

♥ CUPS However far away I will always love you However long I stay I will always love you Whatever words I say I will always love you

♥ CURTIS 18 Year’s together and you’re still my favorite person! Happy Valentines Day sugar plum!

♥ CURTIS wanna bone? woof woof

♥ CUTIE BOOTIE I am glad you accepted my friend request after only meeting me once. And that you replied to my messages. And my request to Skype. Love you!

♥ CYNTHIA The last 16 months with you have been absolutely magical-you have changed my life and I can’t live with out you I am yours and you are mine forever

♥ CZARINA-VORLON Happy VD! Wish we could be together drinking and laughing and rolling on the floor until our sides hurt. XOXO - SupremeVorlon

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